Sunday, December 28, 2008

was it something i said?

so, i talk to myself. like, a lot. mostly i talk to the tv and like objects and stuff. I'm watching some old degrassi episodes and a preview for next season plays at the end of the episodes and in this preview spinner asks his gf (i forget her name. she has a nose ring) to marry him! so, let me set the scene: i'm alone in the apartment wearing pajamas and heels that i was trying on and eating soy ice cream. so that part came on and i said, "What?!!" (pause) (rewind and watch again) "O.M.F.G. even though that's not for this show."

yep. this is it.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Jewish

whoa. I'm such a jew. I just sat down at my computer and had a vague sense of guilt and i couldn't really place why. As you may or may not know, Judaism is a religion and a culture that thrives on the guilt of it's followers. Guilt, or more specifically the attempt to avoid feeling guilty, is the reason behind the majority of the decisions i make. It contributes to my sobriety. It makes me call my mom every day. It gets me places on time. It makes me stay friends with people who i think suck and haven't seen in 5 years. It keeps me honest in relationships. It makes me not steal things even though i really want to and it would be so easy.
Anyway, I had a really deep sense of guilt just now and i realized why, and it's ridiculous:
My roommate and best bud Pat Driscoll gave me a wonderful Channukah surprise. Our apartment has gotten very messy over the past several weeks, and it's 90% my fault. The last time i really scrubbed the joint down was when a boy i liked was coming over and i didn't want him to know what a slob i was. save that shit for the honeymoon. Anyway, if the cleanliness of the apartment is directly proportional to the amount of time boys come over to visit me here's a little equation: I have known for certain that i'm not pregnant the last two months (2). I also haven't had a real nice bikini wax in 6 weeks (6). So, i'm no scientist, but i think that means on a scale of 1-10 the apartment was at a solid 12 in messiness.
Well, i got home this morning and it was spotless, truly sparkling*! Pat cleaned the whole apartment and it looks like an effin hotel. It's beautiful.
I was so thankful and all he asked in return was for me to update my blog, which i've really let slip.
So, the guilt came when i realized i had been home for two hours and hadn't done that yet. Guilt officially relieved.

I love you pat.

*that asterisk was just to denote real sparkle. sparkly. ya know?

Friday, December 19, 2008

a good idea

so, my farts don't stink. I know you don't believe me but somebody (pat) back me up. They are loud sometimes, and squeaky, but don't stink.
So, if you are also lucky enough to have odorless farts, a good idea for farting in public is to just try to put as much room between your cheeks as possible so it comes out really slowly and doesn't get trapped and make a "put-put-put" sound. I assume everyone reading this blog is in his or her twenties or thirties and is already well-versed in stealth farting. But i feel like i have a lot of wisdom to impart in this arena. Maybe it's because i'm so confident that getting it out quietly is all i have to do, because there really is never a stench to worry about. you know? So, like, I spend more time thinking about it because it's easier to tackle than it would be for someone who has to figure out how to do it in silence and hide a smell.
So, if you ever find yourself in bed with a new guy (or girl) and you guys don't fart in front of one another yet, a good idea is to pretend you're stretching and get in a position in which your butt cheeks are barely even touching and then the fart will come out silently. But if it's really quiet in the room they might still hear the "whoosh" which can maybe be even more embarrassing than the plain old "pffft." This has happened to me and it wasn't pretty.

next: farting in water. a good idea is to just not do it. unless you're in a hot tub with jets. in which case, fart away. unless you think there's any chance it's actually a shit not a fart. Then, go to a bathroom.

This is a bit of a tangent but related: so, as is now probably obvious, I'm really confident in my ability to fart in public undetected. however, i sometimes worry that there are certain people in this world that can actually SEE farts. not in water, just in air. Like those people that see ghosts, or auras or whatever. shit you're not supposed to see. so i get concerned that i think i got away with it but someone actually sees it come out of my pants. and in this fantasy the fart looks like the joker venom gas in Batman/Superman adventures that the joker sprays.

oh, i wonder why i'm single...

Friday, December 12, 2008

sleep writing

If i want to remember my dream i write it down like right when i have it.

This morning i woke up and found this scribbled on my Batman writing tablet:

"Pat had a baby and snakes ate it off the kitchen counter and he didn't care because he thought they just hid it but he threw all the snakes out the window, but a window we don't really have in real life."

probably the most depressing thing i've ever heard

the plot of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Why would i want to watch that dismal shit? and, ew. imagine an old man being birthed. ugh. and then he's like a really wise baby, but probably no one will believe his wisdom because he looks like an infant. and they'll be like "yeah whatever, goo goo gaa gaa benji." and inside he's like"get this tit out of my face and give me three fingers of whiskey." but then he's like, "actually, about that tit..." but his mom is dead because she had him like 80 years ago so whose tit is that? and who is going to take care of him?

see? depressing.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Things that are meant to be toasted that i prefer microwaved

- pop tarts

a fact about me that is both embarrassing and alarming

I watched Barney when i was way too old to watch Barney. It didn't even go on the air until i was way too old to watch it. While shameful, this is not the embarrassing part. the embarrassing part, and part i should never tell anyone, let alone publish for all to read is as follows:
I used to get home from school right as Barney was starting. so let's say it started at 3:30, I would usually not turn it on until 3:31, 3:32, something like that. So i very rarely, if ever, heard the theme song. Once in a while i would catch the last few moments of it but i never heard it in it's entirety. So, i somehow developed this superstition that if i were ever to hear the entire Barney theme song I would die instantly. it was completely irrational, obviously. and there was really no reasoning. But if i ever caught Barney right at the beginning i would plug my ears for part of the song so that i wouldn't hear all of it and die right there.
this is, sadly, 100% TRUE.
In fact, I just googled Barney to see when it went on the air to substantiate the claim that i was too old for it, and i clicked on the official Barney website and the theme song started playing and i panicked and had to leave the page.
this is my life.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I'm a loser and a dork

another gchat, this time with a boy i went on 2 dates with and we decided we don't have anything in common.

d____: Arkham lego set?

me: yeah, it comes with night wing

d____: I dunno...still it's lego.
But on the other hand...it is batman

me: and it has scarecrow, and poison ivy and riddler so you really get a lot of bang for your buck

d_____: Ah good point...I can't get toys....I would go insane, with them and the comics too.

me: it's really frustrating because there are a bunch of playmobil toys i want also. and i'm getting a lot of comics every week.

d_____: Playmobil is cool...
I have a french one

me: yeah, there's a ghost pirate i have my eye on.

d_____: Toys take up a lot of space though.
Odd shapes to the packages

me: word. you have some toys though. you just have to be selective. and get carrying cases when you can
like for star wars

d____: Aye, I know. I gotta get my star wars guys on display. OUtta the shoe box.
But...till then. It's there, they shall remain.
MUhahaha!

me: spooky.

d____: I was trying to convey "spooky." heh

me: it worked. but i'm more scared about where to put the arkham lego set if i get it.

d____: that's what i'm saying

Monday, December 8, 2008

End of day gchat

4:54 PM elana: i bought 2 frogs

me: SHUT UP!!!!!

elana: hhaa

me: amazing!
2???

elana: AMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAZING

me: /hahahahaha

elana: they r the pride and joy of my world

me: what are their names?

elana: one girl , one boy
the girl is white - her name is fish and the boy is dark green/brown , his name is snake
fish = a sexier name for the lady , snake = mean and spooky name for the dude

me: HAHAHA
I really have a deep and profound love for you

elana: i love them soooooooooo much ALREADY

me: you're very maternal

elana: its not a joke, when they die i am GOING to cry
right now they are happily situated in my brandy glass

me: they don't have a tank?

elana: nope - they are swimming frogs

me: whoa!

elana: so they hop/swim and live in the water

me: can they ever be out of water? can you hold them?

elana: they eat fish food but look like frogs.

me: so fish is a very appropriate name

elana: cannot be taken out of water

me: about how big are they?
can/will they mate?

elana: they about the size of a nickel
maybe even a dime

me: What? bogus, they're probably fake.

elana: not fake

me: are you sure they arent fish

elana: def 1000000000000000000% frogs

me: will they grow?

elana: yes - about the size of my PALM
woah !!!!!!!!!!

me: WOW!

elana: i knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
how very very very exciting

me: Extremely exciting.
I think i'm going to post this conversation on my blog for all those people wondering what two single gals in their mid twenties in NYC really think and talk about

ok?

and then i'm gonna go get a burrito and then go to class where i will be showered with praise for my genius work in the comic strip medium

to you i say good day

Turns out I'm fucking obsessed with Warren Zevon

He's just so amazing and every song makes me...something. I think i need to download every single Warren Zevon song ever and look for warren zevon tapes for carlos. mara + warren = 4evs

Friday, December 5, 2008

I did it again, but this time sexy

Again i saw someone who looked vaguely familiar and decided i should smile and say hi in case i know him. This one was a little different from my encounter with nina garcia, here is how it unfolded:
I was waiting for the L train at 6th ave, checking out dudes, and i saw a really particularly good looking one but he looked really familiar and was approaching pretty quickly and i thought, "shit, he looks familiar, did i sleep with him?" So as he passed we had some eye contact and i smiled (sexily) and say 'hey' (sexily). He totes smiled back and then the train came and i was like, 'wait a minute. I never slept with that blue-eyed stranger. he played Johnny's friend "chilli" on the final, or maybe penultimate, season of the O.C.' And the real coincidence here is that his real name is johnny, johnny lewis. and i would totally sleep with him.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

cake or death

When i get fired tomorrow i will consider a career in confections.





Wednesday, December 3, 2008

So long sleepless nights, welcome back burrito burps



For this post you're hearing from both me and Darya. Two people who deeply miss burritoville but gave burrito box a chance at lunch today and were really impressed.
We're going to go with a points system starting at 0:

+1 for decent guacamole. This is key and is easily eff-upable.
+1 for displaying the bulk containers of salsas and chips (we both like seeing things in bulk.)
-1 for warm soggy lettuce. (Does it say "salad box" on your awning? I didn't think so, so reign in the foliage.)
-1 for lack of cheese pocket ( a cheese pocket is when you think you ate all the cheese but discover a surprise surplus folded into the tortilla)
+1 for existence of guac pocket
+1 for free chips
-1 for amount of chips given
+100 for soy cheese because no burrito is worth hours of diarrhea.
+1 for d├ęcor/ ambiance
+1 for friendliness of staff
+5 for soft tortilla; we were expecting the worst. The worst being the sort of wrap used for a wrap sandwich. you know the kind, and you wish you didn't.
+2 for having boylans
-2 for not having Boylans diet cherry

Final grade: 108, more than enough to qualify as a replacement for burritoville.

Sorry burritoville but i need a burrito joint i can count on. One that won't just pick up and shut down all locations without so much as a warning or a good bye. Burrito Box, you'll be seeing a lot more of me.

And these final thoughts form my friend and fellow burrito lover, Darya:

When I first heard about burritoville closing, I couldn’t believe it. I don’t know why Mara would play such a cruel trick on my ears. She wouldn’t. Plus I know she doesn’t joke about burritos. So it had to be true, but I couldn’t understand it. Why would this wonderful city let such a landmark just disappear like that? Would someone say, oh hey, we’re closing the Empire State Building, and you’d just be fine with it? I don’t think so. Anyway, it was a difficult time for me. But then Mara googled ‘soy cheese’ and ‘just like burritoville’ and suddenly it seemed like all would be right with the world. Now, while you can’t replace anything whose slogan is “Entering Burritoville, Population 208,” because then it would be “Entering Burrito Box” and that would sound like a completely different place altogether, one I’m not sure I want to go to, Burrito Box is actually a phenomenal replacement. (Though never in my heart, only in my stomach.) Overall, I’d give this trip to Burrito Box an A and a smiley face sticker. Good job, Burrito Box, in this crazy world of ours, you bring me comfort. And bean burps. (It’s like lunch all over again!)

update on my soulmate

for some reason he really responded to that email about cutting our baby in half and sent along a picture of his face. and well, um, we're not soulmates.
am i a jerk? maybe i should stick to meeting boys the old-fashioned way, on the train.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I found my soulmate but he won't answer my stupid email

I may have led you to believe that during my epidsode of insomnia a few nights ago all i did was think about burritoville. not the case. in fact i thought about burritoville and how pathetic it is that i have nothing better to think about than burritoville because i haven't kissed a boy in so long and haven't even had reason to shave my legs in even longer. so i thought to myself, "i bet craigslist is a good place to find a dude." I feel like in a couple months when i'm beating back the suitors with a stick I'll giggle at the fact that I once (maybe twice) went on the craigslist m4w section and answered an ad in earnest. I just felt like this ad was posted exactly for me and you'll see why when you read it. It's prob going to come down in a few days so here's a screen grab to keep my blog relevant:


so, probably the things i want in a dude, in order are:
1- interest in comics, namely batman
2- tattoos
3- nipple piercing
4- skinniness

that's pretty much all i need. so i wrote a witty response which is too embarrasing to share here. you should also know that my fakeout email address which i use for answering craigslist personal ads and signing up for newsletters and junk like that is arkham_asylum_info. That's the insane asylum in Gotham for those of you who don't know and suck. So wouldn't you think this guy would fall in love with me based on that alone? Well he didn't and never responded so i just wrote this:

wow, i thought we were gonna totally fall in love, get married, have babies, get divorced, have an ugly custody battle, and ultimately take a lesson from the bible and cut the babies in half.

guess not. punk.

i keep doing/saying inappropriate and embarrasing things today

some of these things include:
announcing in an elevator that i slept for 12 hours last night so when i woke up i really had to pee.

later in the afternoon running into someone who was in said elevator, and you know when the last thing you said to someone was vaguely inappropriate you want to just say something else so at least it's not the last thing you said to them? Anyway so i saw this guy again and said, "looks like a hearty lunch." he had a cup of coffee. so that was like kind of jerky but i didn't mean it.

i was supposed to meet a friend at a diner for lunch but he didn't show up so after sitting by myself for 15 or 20 minutes the waiter asked if i wanted to order and i said, "no thanks i have asthma" and left.

Then on the way back to my office i saw nina garcia but you know when you see someone that looks familiar but you're not sure from where you're like "oh i better smile or say hey because i think i work with that person or at least used to." So we met eyes and i smiled and said "hey" and only then did i realize that it was nina garcia of project runway fame and she is not and has never been a coworker of mine.

all this and it's only like 1:30.

for those of you who expressed concern about my insomnia

which was really only erin and elana.

I slept from 7:45pm last night to 7:30am this morning. No thoughts of burritoville, but i did have a dream that i had to buy cupcakes based only on what they look like and i wasn't allowed to know what flavor they were and what was inside. i got one that looked like cookie dough but it was filled with cream cheese. so that was a nightmare.

Monday, December 1, 2008

new name

i haven't forgotten about renaming this blog and i think the name is going to come from Doom Patrol because I'm for realzies obsessed with it. I can't believe I haven't read them yet and now I am trying to make it last. It's only 6 TPs. No one that reads this blog cares about Doom Patrol which breaks my heart.
Anyway there are amazing bad guys with awesome names and I think I'm going to name my blog after one of them. first I have to read all the books so in a couple weeks maybe I'll have a vote.
cool?
cool

insomnia...

...it's a real thing. I have to be at work in 5 hours and I seriously can't fall asleep because i can't stop thinking about burritoville. Here are just some of the thoughts i've had about burritoville in the last several hours:

1- maybe it will re-open. maybe they're just renovating.
2- Maybe i dreamed it and they are in fact still open.
3- this sucks; i miss burritoville
4- maybe i should start a petition
5- maybe when the economy turns around they'll reopen
6- i didn't love it that much. in fact i always told darya to remind me that the guacamole wasn't worth the extra 2 bucks.
7- who am i kidding? it was worth every penny.
8- Maybe if i google "just like burritoville" I'll find the next best thing.
9- Did burritoville only exist in new york? maybe there are still some in other states and i can go on a road trip for the best burrito known to man.
10- I wish burritoville didn't close.
11- i really thought after a few months i'd just forget about it but if anything it's gotten worse.
12- i wonder if there are any burrito joints that offer soy cheese and free chips. i guess that would make me at least a little happy.
13- burritoville, population: zero

Friday, November 28, 2008

dear one little fish

i'm thankful for you every day. not just on thanksgiving. all the stuff on that list i only care about today. tomorrow i go back to thinking pat is annoying and smelly and never checking the weather because who fuckin cares about meteorology.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Another email I sent to myself

On Mon, Sept 29, 2008 at 11:01 AM, Mara _____ wrote:

Mara, this is real. don't ever forget that.

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Where_does_the_guy_put_his_penis_at_when_you_are_having_sex

In honor of thanksgiving

I'd like to take this yearly opportunity to express thanks for the really great things in my life. I'm thankful for:

- Lactaid
- Pat Driscoll
- Carlos (my car)
- That people can't smell their own breath
- Gravity
- Meteorology
- Pre Tax Metrocards
- Fingerless gloves being back in style
- Electricity
- That I'm a good speller
- That a have a reliable internal clock
- That i don't live during a time when women didn't wear pants. or vote or have jobs, but mostly the pants.
- NYC recycling policies
- My mom and brothers
- comic books
- That i don't live during a time when there were no tampons. so, i guess just "tampons."
- Modern dentistry
- Fruit Roll Ups

Oh my god! I almost forgot!

I have a new reader. writer of Better Chatter and an all around great guy: let's hear it for Josh everybody!
Josh is 1/2 of the In The Wheelhouse Podcast team. If you'll recall, Brandon is the other 1/2 of the team and when i wrote about him i didn't know how to hyperlink. that was probably only about 5 short weeks ago and look how far I've come. as a blogger. pretty far.
Back to Josh. Josh, you really should've come to canada with us. No road trip is the same without you. I would imagine. even though I've probably never been in a car with you.
Josh loves george plimpton. so much.
Josh lives in brooklyn and reads the sunday paper in the same coffee shop every week. You might think this makes him a boring, predictable person but it's just the opposite. This is actually the only predictable thing about josh. Monday-Saturday I couldn't even tell you what state he's going to be in, geographical or emotional. He's a loose fucking cannon. One of the wildest, craziest, most incalculable guys in this city. Except on sundays.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

you know what's weird?

wallpaper.
seriously? wall. paper.

gross

my favorite band in the whole world and all of history, coheed and cambria, just announced a US tour with SlipKnot. Ew. Do i have to go to that?

and here's another:

On Tue, Oct 28, 2008 at 10:49 AM, Mara L_____ wrote:

it's ok. just be yourself.

I sometimes write emails to myself

and here's one i just found:

From: L_____, Mara
Sent: Wednesday, September 03, 2008 4:42 PM
To: L_____, Mara
Subject:

Dear Mara,
Every time you eat pad see ew you feel like shit after. Stop eating it.
Thinking of you,
Mara

Monday, November 24, 2008

Tissue? I hardly know you!

Raise your hand if you think tissues are a luxury and real men use toilet paper. We're in a recession people, show a little tact!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

An email-for-email account of my relationship with einstein lip company

liptheory.com to me
Oct 12

Thank You for your order! Einstein Cosmetics values your business very much, and your order will be processed and shipped to you as soon as possible.
Have a Beautiful Day! Thank you. :)

me to liptheory.com
Nov 4
Hi, I'm writing because I placed an order through your website. My credit card has been charged but i have not recieved my order. There was a link provided to check delivery status but there is no status...
Can you help?
Thanks
Mara


me to liptheory.com
Nov 12

Hi- I never recieved this order and when i check the status via the
provided link there is no information.
Can you let me know when i can expect the shipment please?
Thanks so much!


me to admin@liptheory.com
Nov 14

I placed this order several weeks ago and have not recieved it. Just found this email address on your website. Maybe you'll answer me?


me to liptheory.com
Nov 19

So, your customer service is clearly for the birds. I guess cancel this order and I'll get your product from a different online vendor. I'm kind of baffled that you're still in business. Wait, are you still in business?

I got it bad for Jason Mewes


My cousin just wrote a blog post yesterday in which she mentioned not liking a certain author's books. Well, that author wrote a comment on her blog suggesting that maybe she should give her books a chance. whoa right? google alert on yourself?!
Anyway, it got me thinking, maybe Jason Mewes has a google alert on himself and maybe he'll see this and we can finally start our love affair.

So, the real embarrassing thing, and the thing that might stand in the way of me and jason mewes dating, is that i fell in love with him as a result of a movie i imagine he hates and probably regrets making. And that movie is Bottoms Up starring Paris Hilton. I've seen it twice. It's fucking terrible but Jason Mewes is so charming and hot in it. He totally courts paris hilton's character the exact way i want to be courted: blackmails her into letting him hang out with her rich and famous friends after he is accidentally identified as her stalker by a gossip magazine, but after spending time with her is then surprised that beneath the beautiful and well-kept exterior she has a deep soul and a love of literature and homeless people! swoooon. It's so can't buy me love.

Anyway Jason Mewes is totally hot in this movie and after watching it for the second time i googled him and he's a recovering junkie which, sad as it sounds, is perfect for me! I'm straight edge and there would be no awkward "shit, i kind of want a glass of wine with dinner but i don't want to drink in front of my ex-junkie boyfriend." because i never want to drink! Oh yeah and he reads comics. this is not actually substantiated but i think he probably reads comics, right? and, duh, i love comics.
So, Jason Mewes, if you're googling yourself, you should email me. i'm really fun and awesome and just ignore any references in this blog to me farting and burping and having occasional diarrhea. it's for the sake of art. none of that is true.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

dear microsoft word,

stop automatically changing "realzies" to "realizes." I mean realzies.

totes stole this "open letter to microsoft re: spell check" from brandon.

Beating Pat to the punch

last night's gossip girl sucked. the characters were very unnatural. there were too many things introduced and then resolved in the same episode: The Captain. Aaron caring about serena's drinking. They also really shouldn't ever make nate have to act dramatic. And vanessa - you're gross. I can't even believe how gross you are and you always wear big dumb stupid earrings. get a life.
Jenny - grow up. get a new haircut and design a dress with an appropriate hemline.
serena- you're hot. keep doing what you're doing. but stop dating such pansies.
chuck - start being sexy again.

yeah, that's it. but as pat pointed out, it's a thanksgiving episode so maybe i shouldn't hold it to the same standards.

Monday, November 17, 2008

new name methinks

So, i made up the name for this blog with brooke. it was going to be our joint secret blog but that didn't happen. we came up with the name at tea lounge when we decided to open a competitive tea spot called tea veaux where we would have themed tivo nights and teas. So, like one night we'd save up a bunch of 90s sitcoms like Living Single and Family Matters and you could come watch those shows and drink urkell grey instead of earl grey, or some gimmicky crap like that.

Then, like a month later, we decided we would have a secret blog where we would post rants. the list of proposed rants read:
Clear Bra Straps
Canada

then we never did that but i registered this url because it seemed like we were really gonna do it.

Now we're here. it's just me. there are really no rants. and i don't want the name tea-veaux anymore. I am not gonna change the url but i'm gonna change the name. lots of people do that.

So what should the new name be? the only thing i can think of is "Past the Fence" which is a super nerdy coheed reference but it's one of those phrases that i always loved. any other ideas? I'm very impressionable.

i'm in a very crap mood today...

...it's probably because i farted audibly during a dinner date on friday. now i'm drawing a comic about it. yeah, this is it. this is my life.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Size Matters

at least when it comes to tootsie rolls. No, that's not a euphemism; i'm really talking about the delicious chocolatey snack.

There's really no explanation for this but the size of a tootsie roll is directly proportional to how much i like the taste of it. The big ones that are segmented and basically are a candy bar?: where do i sign?
Midgees?: Uhh, did we lose a war or something?

a very good plan

So I'm not sure if anyone is aware but my ipod broke and i have almost nothing backed up. cool. i do have the sweeney todd soundtrack, and i have some NPR podcasts, and i have a mix tape luke allen made me in 2003. Other than that, nothing.
So, this is not a great segue but you know the postal service album give up? it's totally old and played out for most people but i'm very late to the game (or dance, i never know if it's game or dance). Mostly because when people discovered postal service i was still all about like alkaline trio and mxpx and less than jake. well now i fucking love this album and it was getting to be that album that i listen to all day and was going to soon be sick of. But i never got there with it because my ipod broke. SOOOOO there are a couple shared itunes libraries at my work. So someone has this album and my plan is just to listen to it on repeat all day so i get totally sick of it and don't want it anymore. One less album to download.
pretty great plan right?
i'm an idiot.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

most things i like very much

I just realized i've posted some very negative things lately. I hate straw wrappers! screw gchat! fuck turkeys! Pat smells!
So to restore your faith that I am a happy and stable individual, let's talk about some things i love:

I love when you order something fried (french fries, onion rings etc...) and you get a surprise from the fryer. Like one wayward chicken nugget in your onion ring order. Or a mozzarella stick in your fried zucchini. how great is that?

i love when i think pat's not home but he is and he has no pants on

this

this

never before seen footage

i love a lot of other stuff too. this is just some of it.

gchat status

As most of you know i do not socially network online. I'm not on facebook or myspace. The reasons for this decision abound. I do not want to stalk anyone or be stalked by anyone. And i know myself. recovering alcoholics don't hang out in bars. I don't socially network. Same thing.
I also don't want people from high school or camp or something looking me up and saying, "god her boobs got big." or "I thought she wanted to work in forensics, and she's a marketing associate? She really gave up the dream".

That being said i have nothing against gchat. i think it's fine. anyone in my gchat is someone i've emailed with and they're ok with me. however, something i am not, and will never be, ok with is when people put the "busy" status on their gchat. UHHHH, if you're busy why are you on gchat? sign off, you can still get your email. when i see that stupid red dot next to someone's name i feel like they are saying, "i'm busy, but i'm online so if it's an emergency you can interrupt." A) I'm sure if i had to let you know about an emergency i would use gchat as my method of communication. B) shut the fuck up. C) Make a decision. You can chat or you can't. If you can't, sign the fuck off. Or go invisible. That's fine too. at least you're not saying "i'm busy."

and this is why i'm not allowed to do anything online

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

i think i'm done...

... with turkey countdown. it's a funny thing to think about but i just hate it. it's not fun.
if i get one vote to continue, i will.
Voting is now open.

Monday, November 10, 2008

turkey countdown

so bored of this

A lesson from my father

"Never trust a guy with a side part"

ok, this one i'm not so sure i understand. So let's just take the facts. I'm going to find some dudes with side parts and tell you if i trust them or not:


Distrust


Trust


Trust, duh.


Distrust


Trust


Distrust

ok, it seems the results are inconclusive.

Another everyday object that makes me uncomfortable


I like a good home science experiment as much as the next guy, actually probably more than the next guy, but you know when people scrunch down the paper straw wrapper, place it on the table, and then slowly add water (or soda) drops to it so it unravels like a worm or snake... ugh, i'm getting squeamish just writing about it. I actually have really mixed feelings about this whole thing that i will explore in detail here. Ok, it's actually really cool and makes me feel nostalgic for the nathans that used to be across from waldbaum's on 116th street, which is the site of my first experience with straw wrapper worms. but really, wet paper in general makes me very itchy and uncomfortable and this business with the straw wrappers ends up a soggy mess and just makes me feel so weird inside. writing this, i just said 'uh' out loud. that's how i feel about it. i get the same feeling in my stomach when something spills and people put a bunch of napkins on it and those first few napkins are REALLY saturated. just not even recognizable as napkins anymore. makes me feel so gross inside. yuck. and probably the most surprising part of all is that i don't mind sponges in the least. because they were made to get saturated and full, but paper products end up just kind of soggy and like drippy and it's all just too much for me.

Friday, November 7, 2008

turkey countdown


i like when the stuffing (noun) is actually stuffing (progressive verb)

dear pat,

remember when the mattress doctor stole my books?
love, mara

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Turkey Countdown


Mmmm, dark meat.

Things I would Never Say in Real Life but will Write in an EMail

"Chugging along here!"

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Lies I told recently

1- "I can't tonight, I have a date." with myself and fucking Naomi and Ethan from 90210 and baked lays.

2- "sorry i didn't pick up; I was sleeping." i definitely was not sleeping but sometimes when you call I get overwhelmed and just don't pick up. (don't worry this is not you)

3- "Yeah we can probably give you a ride to Philly." No we can't because we want to talk about boys in the car. Namely you.

4-"We've all got a department meeting in 1/2 hour." Just a big fat lie. There's no meeting. I just want this meeting to only last 1/2 hour.

5- "Nope, there are no more chewy gobstoppers." There are actually probably like 8 left but they're mine. fuck you.

turkey countdown

Lessons my father taught me

He was a very wise man and also a very funny one. There wasn't much "come here and sit on my knee so I can bestow upon you the lessons of life." But he dropped some knowledge in his own way.

Lesson #1: "If a white man can dance he's gay."

I think my dad was really worried I was going to somehow end up dating a gay guy and then be heartbroken when i found out. I mean, how ridiculous. That would never happen. Not to me! tee hee.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Turkey countdown

Am I really going to do a turkey countdown? Yeah, I guess I am. I briefly considered being clever and putting a map of Turkey (yuk, yuk) one day and maybe a hand turkey the next, and then a turkey sandwich. How clever! Instead, I'm going to just put a beautiful, scrumptious-looking holiday bird each and every day. Just good old fashioned home cookin'. So get ready.

I'm good at some things

Probably my number one best quality is my ability to accurately guess how long things will take. Seriously, I'm scarily good at it. People that know this about me sometimes ask me to help them figure out when to leave their apartment in order to do x, y, and z and get to a certain place at a certain time.
Anyway, this morning I voted. After careful consideration I decided I would wake up at 7 to be at my polling location by 7:30 and on the train by 8:35 putting my at my desk at exactly 9am.
I got to work at 7:50.
Probably my second best quality is my ability to sleep at my desk and still look like I'm awake and working.

Monday, November 3, 2008

ew

i called you guys "folks" twice in the last three emails.
gross

I'm not a chicken; you're a turkey!

Welcome to november folks. I promised a turkey countdown and you're getting one. Let's begin with a simple holiday bird. If this doesn't get your proverbial mouth proverbially watering i don't know what will.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Special Treat

Here's all the babies that were saved in my "babies in costume" folder that never got their own posts:








My Favorite Baby Costume


Today's the day folks. It's been a long month and i for sure didn't post a baby every day. That sounds like I'm saying I didn't mail or ship a baby every day. But i did.
Anyway here's my number one favorite baby costume. Next month: countdown of turkeys.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Peeve, and thing i think doesn't exist

uch. i freakin hate it when girls are big sports fans. i feel like it's fake. come on, you have a vagina, you really care about who does this toss-up or makes it to the playoffs? really? because the only times i've ever watched a sports game is when i'm trying to like "be one of the guys." and it's a struggle, and i feel like girls that really follow sports are just faking. isn't that ridiculous? just because i don't like something i don't believe that any girls are capable of liking that thing and they must all be faking. you would think i'd never heard of darlene connor. And i know one small fish that is going to take issue with this becasue she's a real sports fan, and no, i don't think she's faking, but i just can't belive it. i just hate it so much.

Note: this does not apply to girls PLAYING sports. That I'm all for and have done. But watching "the game." nope.

Also, i wanted to put an image to this post. I was picturing a cheesy girl in a jersey and a big foam #1 hand but i typed in "female sports fan" and on the first page of results was this:



And if there's anything i can get behind, it's Gerard Way.

Babies in Costume



i want to write, "sometimes babies just aren't cute." but there's something weirdly cute about this alien, AND I'm scared one of her relatives is going to somehow find this (great) blog and see this and be devestated. So instead I'll write, "check out this adorable raggedy anne.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Lies i told recently

1- "He's a friend of a friend." He's a 19 year old I'm considering sleeping with.

2- "If I have time, definitely." If I have time, I'm going to look at halloween-themed cupcakes online.

3- "We don't have to talk about this." If we don't talk about this I'm going to cry in front of you.

4- "It took an hour and 40 minutes." It took about an hour and then i had a stomach ache and tried to poop for almost 40 minutes without success.

5- "I'm not going to worry about all that." I am, as we speak, worrying about all that.

6- "you're ok at french, not great." I don't even speak french, maybe you are great. how would i even know? Maybe, subconciously, i'm just trying to bring you down to my monolingual level.

Babies in Costume



So i'm pretty sure this is disturbing but it's dern cute too ain't it?

sneaky

Brandon, if commenting with a link to a super cute and super appropriate video is your way of saying, "hey, i'm one of your readers and i haven't been mentioned in a post yet, pay attention to me, don't you love me at all?" well, message received.

Brandon - sweet podcast. So sweet in fact that i hereby endorse it on this website. I don't know how to hyperlink words yet so just follow this url: http://www.wheelhouseshow.com/. You're more than just a podcast though. You are a very loyal fan of bjork. you also read lots of books and carry a tote bag, letting people know that you're not only intelligent, but down to earth and environmentally conscious. you are ok at french, not great, but definitely ok. we made up the game "not steve" and it remains a favorite. you're one of the people in my life that deep down i know is way smarter than i am, but you don't care, you hang out with me anyway. except when you lie and say you're going to come to a party and then don't come.
you know what? fuck you

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Babies in costume


this one comes from flickr.

Further Readers

I think it's safe to say that this blog has really taken off. Readership has grown exponentially on a weekly basis. Commenting has reached an all-time high. Just yesterday someone stopped me on the subway and whispered, "love your work."
But that doesn't mean i'll forget where i came from. I want to take this opportunity to recognize some new readers:

Tobly: i don't think i'll ever be the same after seeing that two-dildoed pogo stick in your apartment that you "only used once." Also, thanks for being more inappropriate than i am; you make me look good. Sweet haircut. I also like that you have a jansport, it's very early 90s and functional. I can appreciate that. Also, you're from texas which brings me to...

Balls: who is also from texas. Balls, i can't believe you forgot about your nickname. I really like you a lot. You have so much facial hair and i'm constantly wondering what you look like under there. I bet you're really handsome. I bet i'd want to sleep with you if i could see you. Remember the day we met we shared some twizzlers? I'm really happy you love candy even more than i do. I'm glad i was with you the first time you went swimming in the ocean. i hope we never go so long without speaking that you feel overwhelmed when i call and don't pick up and then feel bad and call me every day until the election.

anyone else reading that hasn't gotten a shout out?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

babies in costume



This is one that I love more for his stance than anything else. Who taught that kid to stand like that?

A Funny Conversation with the girl who sits next to me

Her: Hey, so i got this tea over the weekend at the food and wine festival.
Me: ...yeah.
Her: It was like, loose tea leaves.
Me: (silence)
Her: Yeah, and they were like HUGE tea leaves.
Me: yeah?
Her: I've never seen tea leaves so huge.
Me: (silence)
Her: It really makes for a good story.


HaHaHa. just when i forget she's funny she really nails it.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Monday, October 20, 2008

babies in costume


i'm so busy today i can't even bother capitalizing the first letters of the words in the title of this post.

Friday, October 17, 2008

babies in costume


somebody please impregnate me right now!

I have three MORE readers

holy shit. Here's why you're awesome:

Kels- You have the loudest voice i've ever heard. You should think about stage performance. I never have trouble hearing you. ever. You're a lot taller than i am and that's great because you're probably more evolved or something. You say great stuff and have even recieved your own post on this here blog. It was awesome.

Anonymous- I really love how mysterious you are. For realzies though, thanks for being Jewish. Thanks also for using words like bonehead. Thanks for drinking soda for breakfast. Thanks for walking 6 miles to burritoville (holding back tears). Thanks for helping me deal with the anxiety of being in a elevator while i have to shit. One time you gave me deodorant that i'm wearing right now. It was awesome.

Lazy- mostly i love that you abbreviate everything. It's really fun. i also love that you sometimes wear skiddz. I'm happy we are dressing up together for halloween; wipe that lipstick away. You also have really big bazoombas, but so do i. You're great at whitney houston dancing. One time you met david. It was awesome.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Babies in costume


Is this getting old? cause i still love it.

Really? Him?

Today's edition of "Really? Him?" does not feature an inappropriate celebrity crush. Instead it features an entire group of people I'm sometimes inappropriately attracted to: homeless men.
I have some theories. My generation is all about calculated disarray. It's very cool to be wearing an old ripped up shirt with armpit stains. Grungy paint-splattered jeans are all the rage. Tousled "bed-head" is very hip. And sometimes, at a distance, it's difficult to tell if a guy is sporting carefully crafted bed-head or cardboard box over subway vent-head.
I also tend to like a guy with a bit of a swagger. The swagger I'm looking for comes from a general relaxed attitude as a result of being artsy and above it all. Sometimes i confuse this with a swagger resulting from dead foot from not having two shoes.
Also, flannel, totally in.
So when it comes to homeless guys the answer to,"really? him?" is no, but sometimes i think about it.


Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Lies I told Yesterday

Yesterday i had a stink date. Here are some little white ones that got me through:

1- "Yeah I can do a back flip." yeah right

2- "I've never been to the midwest." except the four years i lived there

3- "I used to live right around here." Never.

4- "I majored in Chemistry." English

5- "Yeah, no, I've never seen Laguna Beach. I don't really watch tv." Except the hills, gossip girl, project runway, 90210, degrassi, dexter, privileged, america's next top model, laguna beach...

Babies in Costume


on a lighter note:

earnest

goes to jail. Just kidding, i mean this post is going to be somewhat earnest. I just read this in a book:

sad words are just another beauty. a sad story means, this storyteller is alive.

and it damn near killed me.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

dream

Who wants to hear about other people's dreams? gross. Well too bad. I had a dream about my friend 8 and sent him the below email about it. You can read it too:

i had a dream that you and i lived together and we had mice because you secretly hated tomaotes, even though you told everyone you like every food. so when there were tomatoes on anything you would hide them under the rug or couch or in drawers and then obviously we got mice and you were found out. then it got weird. when you went and found all the tomatoes and threw them out they turned into glitter eye shadow and i wanted it so i took it out of the garbage and then, in my own hands, it turned into real glitter, like poster glitter.

i forgot about tagging

shit

Babies in Costume


No words.

Monday, October 13, 2008

I only have three readers

Which is fine, because i really like all three of you, a lot. For different reasons:

Al - you have the same last name as me and almost the same birthday. You are very good at telling stories and taught me how to tease my hair. Not in the 80s, in 2008, like a week ago. It was awesome.

Pat - We live together. We are great at sharing. Even smart ones and soda. You show me your butt a lot and it makes me laugh. You know which dances i like and you do them a lot. One time you and Adrienne made me an easter basket. It was awesome.

Jerome - You have great hair and you're not afraid of it. You also love tight pants, so does pat by the way. you guys have that in common. You also keep me updated of the goings on at my old job. even small things like vibrator cleaners. You are lactose intolerant too which makes me feel better about myself. You love judaism. One time we walked all the way to 8th ave for cupcakes. It was awesome.

if i have any other readers let me know and i'll tell you what is awesome about you

An everyday object that makes me uncomfortable




Yep, those white knit work gloves that are dipped in red paint. Gross. They look like evidence. Give me the willies. And they're always in the street. Take note. These babies are always laying in the middle of the street. Sometimes just one. Sometimes a pair, usually in china town. sick.

babies in costume


sorry i've been lax. my mouth hurts and i'm not funny or fun or anything, just hurting. I need care from this special little gal:

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Turns out...

...even though it defies all logic and expectation, when you crack your knuckles under water there are no air bubbles. What a let down...

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Babies in Costume


Sometimes i really just want to kidnap a kid. Play legos with him. Eat some spaghetti. Laugh at the sauce all over his face. and then bring him back to his parents. This kid makes me feel like that. He just looks really fun. and he's a tiny green lantern.

Funny things the girl in the cube next to me has said this week

Yeah I hate the word glorious too.

It is a really impressive trajectory.

Yeah, I guess it’s a lampshade.

You’re like goldilocks. (I was complaining about the temperature)

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Babies in Costume


Ha. Ha.