Thursday, February 11, 2010

Being sneaky to avoid being dead

I live with my boyfriend on the mean streets of Manhattan's lower east side. I'm just sayin: I grew up here and am not an alarmist, the couple streets around ours can get pretty hairy. So, he's away for the week and I get scared that a killer is going to target me. So here's what I do to make sure no one knows I'm home alone. (KEVIN!)

When i open the door I say, "Hey babe, you're home already? How was work?*
*Yesterday I said, "Oh smells good! What are you cooking?"

I don't have the shades open. But the day he left they were open from that morning so in case a killer was watching me close them I laughed while i was doing it and kind of looked behind me at one point, suggesting there was a (funny) man lurking in the shadowy corners.

His friend from upstairs called and asked for him. (We have a landline. How weird is that?) and instead of saying "he's in L.A. for the week" I said, "I'm not sure where he is but I'll tell him you called."

I ordered enough food for two meals so it didn't seem like I was ordering for one. One was a meat dish because men eat meat.

I just lied about that. But I ran out of things and realized this is boring and well-trodden territory. You're neurotic! we know! well fuck you guys.

And now I'm convinced some killer is reading this and is gonna brutalize me. Just don't ok?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

My second favorite movie

So, I can't believe how much i love Con Air. I bawl every time i see that ending.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Lists I've been working on

So I've been working on two lists. One is a lists of slogans for things that don't need slogans. The other is a list of celebrities that i think probably get a lot of Diarrhea.

Here's the slogans:
Soap: would you lather be dirty?
Fax machines: It’s 2009, I think we can stop, right?
Belts: pants falling down? Tie one round!
Sneezing: 1/8 of an orgasm and 1/8 as messy.
Ear canal: no, not panama canal, I said ear canal, you should clean yours out!
Driving: because sometimes it’s too far to walk, and public transportation is proving inconvenient, and you don’t have a beach cruiser yet.
Sex: just do it. Well, don’t just do it. I mean, you should have some feelings involved.
Breathing: don’t forget.
Chew: or else you’ll fucking choke.
Hair: as long as it’s in the right places, a really great thing.
Skin: totally normal on your body, totally gross as flakes falling off your body.
Water: You need it. Really. You do. Or you’ll die.
Blood: It Runs Right Through You. but not the bad way like when something gives you diarrhea
Parsley: we don’t dip it in the ‘tears of our ancestors’ for nothing
Science: even science can’t explain it.
Vegetables: still fighting the association with brain-dead people
Brains: we’re in charge!
Movement: it’s a movement!
Legumes: Not that easy to say or spell, but great for eating.
The common cold: pass it on

Thursday, July 16, 2009


My boss just called a purse a "pocketbook" and it sort of melted the cold, cold heart I have for him and made me hate him a little less. Because, it's 2009, who says "pocketbook?"

Friday, July 10, 2009

An Open Letter

Dear Straight Edge NYC Meet-Up Group-
I think it would be ok to plan something that does not involve a punk show.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

i decided i should eff Langhorne Slim

I like his tunes and I like his face.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

guest post

I guest blogged over at my cousin's blog today. I feel kind of dirty about the whole thing.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

New comic for my friend's band, Thought So.

Click image after the jump to enlarge.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Overheard at work

Today has been really interesting here. A non-native English speaker asked a coworker, "sorry, what is a crib?"
The coworker answered, "A crib is where a baby sleeps, or in the black vernacular it’s your home."

"the black vernacular?" is that appropriate?

So we can say 'black vernacular' but anal is off limits? I'm so confused.

Maybe Josh can weigh in...

I just asked my coworker, a 26 year old straight woman from Ohio how she is doing. She said, “eh.” I asked what was wrong. She said, “I have to read all these books for work and it seems like they all have anal sex in them.”

Me: “awesome. What’s the problem?”
Her: “Well I don’t like to read disgusting stuff like that.”
Me: “Why was it disgusting? Are you homophobic? Was it graphic?”
Her: “No, and it was heterosexual anal sex.”
Me: “ok, well was it consensual?”
Her: “yeah. I just think it’s disturbing to read about.”
Me: “why because you just wish you were having it?”
Her: “No.”
Me: “Ok”

I don’t know man. You’re 26, you live in NY, you work in an industry that might force you to read stuff outside your comfort zone. How is heterosexual, consensual, anal sex disturbing and disgusting?

Friday, June 19, 2009

can't find it

I can't find the article. I thought it would be somewhere in my gmail but it's definitely not. I hate that these things are heartbreaking given the situation. I feel guilty for losing it because it's part of a finite set of memories now.

gmail searches and missing my dad

I've been thinking about my dad a lot. Probably because Father's day is approaching.

Something i like to do from time to time is search for a word in my gmail and find funny, old, forgotten emails. I searched "my dad." Here are some results:

"If my dad were to blurb a book it'd have to be a book about having bbq sauce on your chin and/or shirt"

"I was just watching a boxing match with my dad and one of the fighters' shorts were falling down and down and down so slowly. I never saw my dad so rapt."

"Well, I ended up writing a ridiculous account of a dialogue I had with my Dad about stoops. I turned it in sort of as a joke but my editor printed it and titled it "Mr. Lander's Neighborhood." (I gotta find that article!)

"at some point today my dad said, to no one in particular, "was there ever a menstruation Barbie?"

"I just showed my dad myspace because he heard about it on NPR and wanted to have a look for himself. A real bonding moment in the Lander family."

"So today at work I somehow got into a conversation about how my dad changed his name (true) and so I told my coworker that I also changed my name when I was 17 (false). I played it cool for a while making him wonder about my possible birth name. Then, after much cajoling, I told him my parents named me Vampire."

And, for fun, here's a great picture of him:

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Funny memories of my dad

My dad was funny.
One time I left my AOL instant messenger open on his computer. I got home a couple hours later and he said, "these pop up ads are really out of control. They even somehow find your name and plant it in the ads. A ton of them said 'mara' today."

Old folks.

Another time i was talking to him about what dress I should wear to this wedding i was going to. He goes, "you should really consult with Lindsay." I was like, "huh?" He said, "Lindsay Lohan. She wears dresses all the time." He loved Lindsay Lohan and thought she was way underrated.

Now I'm sad.