Sunday, December 28, 2008

was it something i said?

so, i talk to myself. like, a lot. mostly i talk to the tv and like objects and stuff. I'm watching some old degrassi episodes and a preview for next season plays at the end of the episodes and in this preview spinner asks his gf (i forget her name. she has a nose ring) to marry him! so, let me set the scene: i'm alone in the apartment wearing pajamas and heels that i was trying on and eating soy ice cream. so that part came on and i said, "What?!!" (pause) (rewind and watch again) "O.M.F.G. even though that's not for this show."

yep. this is it.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Jewish

whoa. I'm such a jew. I just sat down at my computer and had a vague sense of guilt and i couldn't really place why. As you may or may not know, Judaism is a religion and a culture that thrives on the guilt of it's followers. Guilt, or more specifically the attempt to avoid feeling guilty, is the reason behind the majority of the decisions i make. It contributes to my sobriety. It makes me call my mom every day. It gets me places on time. It makes me stay friends with people who i think suck and haven't seen in 5 years. It keeps me honest in relationships. It makes me not steal things even though i really want to and it would be so easy.
Anyway, I had a really deep sense of guilt just now and i realized why, and it's ridiculous:
My roommate and best bud Pat Driscoll gave me a wonderful Channukah surprise. Our apartment has gotten very messy over the past several weeks, and it's 90% my fault. The last time i really scrubbed the joint down was when a boy i liked was coming over and i didn't want him to know what a slob i was. save that shit for the honeymoon. Anyway, if the cleanliness of the apartment is directly proportional to the amount of time boys come over to visit me here's a little equation: I have known for certain that i'm not pregnant the last two months (2). I also haven't had a real nice bikini wax in 6 weeks (6). So, i'm no scientist, but i think that means on a scale of 1-10 the apartment was at a solid 12 in messiness.
Well, i got home this morning and it was spotless, truly sparkling*! Pat cleaned the whole apartment and it looks like an effin hotel. It's beautiful.
I was so thankful and all he asked in return was for me to update my blog, which i've really let slip.
So, the guilt came when i realized i had been home for two hours and hadn't done that yet. Guilt officially relieved.

I love you pat.

*that asterisk was just to denote real sparkle. sparkly. ya know?

Friday, December 19, 2008

a good idea

so, my farts don't stink. I know you don't believe me but somebody (pat) back me up. They are loud sometimes, and squeaky, but don't stink.
So, if you are also lucky enough to have odorless farts, a good idea for farting in public is to just try to put as much room between your cheeks as possible so it comes out really slowly and doesn't get trapped and make a "put-put-put" sound. I assume everyone reading this blog is in his or her twenties or thirties and is already well-versed in stealth farting. But i feel like i have a lot of wisdom to impart in this arena. Maybe it's because i'm so confident that getting it out quietly is all i have to do, because there really is never a stench to worry about. you know? So, like, I spend more time thinking about it because it's easier to tackle than it would be for someone who has to figure out how to do it in silence and hide a smell.
So, if you ever find yourself in bed with a new guy (or girl) and you guys don't fart in front of one another yet, a good idea is to pretend you're stretching and get in a position in which your butt cheeks are barely even touching and then the fart will come out silently. But if it's really quiet in the room they might still hear the "whoosh" which can maybe be even more embarrassing than the plain old "pffft." This has happened to me and it wasn't pretty.

next: farting in water. a good idea is to just not do it. unless you're in a hot tub with jets. in which case, fart away. unless you think there's any chance it's actually a shit not a fart. Then, go to a bathroom.

This is a bit of a tangent but related: so, as is now probably obvious, I'm really confident in my ability to fart in public undetected. however, i sometimes worry that there are certain people in this world that can actually SEE farts. not in water, just in air. Like those people that see ghosts, or auras or whatever. shit you're not supposed to see. so i get concerned that i think i got away with it but someone actually sees it come out of my pants. and in this fantasy the fart looks like the joker venom gas in Batman/Superman adventures that the joker sprays.

oh, i wonder why i'm single...

Friday, December 12, 2008

sleep writing

If i want to remember my dream i write it down like right when i have it.

This morning i woke up and found this scribbled on my Batman writing tablet:

"Pat had a baby and snakes ate it off the kitchen counter and he didn't care because he thought they just hid it but he threw all the snakes out the window, but a window we don't really have in real life."

probably the most depressing thing i've ever heard

the plot of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Why would i want to watch that dismal shit? and, ew. imagine an old man being birthed. ugh. and then he's like a really wise baby, but probably no one will believe his wisdom because he looks like an infant. and they'll be like "yeah whatever, goo goo gaa gaa benji." and inside he's like"get this tit out of my face and give me three fingers of whiskey." but then he's like, "actually, about that tit..." but his mom is dead because she had him like 80 years ago so whose tit is that? and who is going to take care of him?

see? depressing.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Things that are meant to be toasted that i prefer microwaved

- pop tarts

a fact about me that is both embarrassing and alarming

I watched Barney when i was way too old to watch Barney. It didn't even go on the air until i was way too old to watch it. While shameful, this is not the embarrassing part. the embarrassing part, and part i should never tell anyone, let alone publish for all to read is as follows:
I used to get home from school right as Barney was starting. so let's say it started at 3:30, I would usually not turn it on until 3:31, 3:32, something like that. So i very rarely, if ever, heard the theme song. Once in a while i would catch the last few moments of it but i never heard it in it's entirety. So, i somehow developed this superstition that if i were ever to hear the entire Barney theme song I would die instantly. it was completely irrational, obviously. and there was really no reasoning. But if i ever caught Barney right at the beginning i would plug my ears for part of the song so that i wouldn't hear all of it and die right there.
this is, sadly, 100% TRUE.
In fact, I just googled Barney to see when it went on the air to substantiate the claim that i was too old for it, and i clicked on the official Barney website and the theme song started playing and i panicked and had to leave the page.
this is my life.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I'm a loser and a dork

another gchat, this time with a boy i went on 2 dates with and we decided we don't have anything in common.

d____: Arkham lego set?

me: yeah, it comes with night wing

d____: I dunno...still it's lego.
But on the other hand...it is batman

me: and it has scarecrow, and poison ivy and riddler so you really get a lot of bang for your buck

d_____: Ah good point...I can't get toys....I would go insane, with them and the comics too.

me: it's really frustrating because there are a bunch of playmobil toys i want also. and i'm getting a lot of comics every week.

d_____: Playmobil is cool...
I have a french one

me: yeah, there's a ghost pirate i have my eye on.

d_____: Toys take up a lot of space though.
Odd shapes to the packages

me: word. you have some toys though. you just have to be selective. and get carrying cases when you can
like for star wars

d____: Aye, I know. I gotta get my star wars guys on display. OUtta the shoe box.
But...till then. It's there, they shall remain.
MUhahaha!

me: spooky.

d____: I was trying to convey "spooky." heh

me: it worked. but i'm more scared about where to put the arkham lego set if i get it.

d____: that's what i'm saying

Monday, December 8, 2008

End of day gchat

4:54 PM elana: i bought 2 frogs

me: SHUT UP!!!!!

elana: hhaa

me: amazing!
2???

elana: AMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAZING

me: /hahahahaha

elana: they r the pride and joy of my world

me: what are their names?

elana: one girl , one boy
the girl is white - her name is fish and the boy is dark green/brown , his name is snake
fish = a sexier name for the lady , snake = mean and spooky name for the dude

me: HAHAHA
I really have a deep and profound love for you

elana: i love them soooooooooo much ALREADY

me: you're very maternal

elana: its not a joke, when they die i am GOING to cry
right now they are happily situated in my brandy glass

me: they don't have a tank?

elana: nope - they are swimming frogs

me: whoa!

elana: so they hop/swim and live in the water

me: can they ever be out of water? can you hold them?

elana: they eat fish food but look like frogs.

me: so fish is a very appropriate name

elana: cannot be taken out of water

me: about how big are they?
can/will they mate?

elana: they about the size of a nickel
maybe even a dime

me: What? bogus, they're probably fake.

elana: not fake

me: are you sure they arent fish

elana: def 1000000000000000000% frogs

me: will they grow?

elana: yes - about the size of my PALM
woah !!!!!!!!!!

me: WOW!

elana: i knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
how very very very exciting

me: Extremely exciting.
I think i'm going to post this conversation on my blog for all those people wondering what two single gals in their mid twenties in NYC really think and talk about

ok?

and then i'm gonna go get a burrito and then go to class where i will be showered with praise for my genius work in the comic strip medium

to you i say good day

Turns out I'm fucking obsessed with Warren Zevon

He's just so amazing and every song makes me...something. I think i need to download every single Warren Zevon song ever and look for warren zevon tapes for carlos. mara + warren = 4evs

Friday, December 5, 2008

I did it again, but this time sexy

Again i saw someone who looked vaguely familiar and decided i should smile and say hi in case i know him. This one was a little different from my encounter with nina garcia, here is how it unfolded:
I was waiting for the L train at 6th ave, checking out dudes, and i saw a really particularly good looking one but he looked really familiar and was approaching pretty quickly and i thought, "shit, he looks familiar, did i sleep with him?" So as he passed we had some eye contact and i smiled (sexily) and say 'hey' (sexily). He totes smiled back and then the train came and i was like, 'wait a minute. I never slept with that blue-eyed stranger. he played Johnny's friend "chilli" on the final, or maybe penultimate, season of the O.C.' And the real coincidence here is that his real name is johnny, johnny lewis. and i would totally sleep with him.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

cake or death

When i get fired tomorrow i will consider a career in confections.





Wednesday, December 3, 2008

So long sleepless nights, welcome back burrito burps



For this post you're hearing from both me and Darya. Two people who deeply miss burritoville but gave burrito box a chance at lunch today and were really impressed.
We're going to go with a points system starting at 0:

+1 for decent guacamole. This is key and is easily eff-upable.
+1 for displaying the bulk containers of salsas and chips (we both like seeing things in bulk.)
-1 for warm soggy lettuce. (Does it say "salad box" on your awning? I didn't think so, so reign in the foliage.)
-1 for lack of cheese pocket ( a cheese pocket is when you think you ate all the cheese but discover a surprise surplus folded into the tortilla)
+1 for existence of guac pocket
+1 for free chips
-1 for amount of chips given
+100 for soy cheese because no burrito is worth hours of diarrhea.
+1 for d├ęcor/ ambiance
+1 for friendliness of staff
+5 for soft tortilla; we were expecting the worst. The worst being the sort of wrap used for a wrap sandwich. you know the kind, and you wish you didn't.
+2 for having boylans
-2 for not having Boylans diet cherry

Final grade: 108, more than enough to qualify as a replacement for burritoville.

Sorry burritoville but i need a burrito joint i can count on. One that won't just pick up and shut down all locations without so much as a warning or a good bye. Burrito Box, you'll be seeing a lot more of me.

And these final thoughts form my friend and fellow burrito lover, Darya:

When I first heard about burritoville closing, I couldn’t believe it. I don’t know why Mara would play such a cruel trick on my ears. She wouldn’t. Plus I know she doesn’t joke about burritos. So it had to be true, but I couldn’t understand it. Why would this wonderful city let such a landmark just disappear like that? Would someone say, oh hey, we’re closing the Empire State Building, and you’d just be fine with it? I don’t think so. Anyway, it was a difficult time for me. But then Mara googled ‘soy cheese’ and ‘just like burritoville’ and suddenly it seemed like all would be right with the world. Now, while you can’t replace anything whose slogan is “Entering Burritoville, Population 208,” because then it would be “Entering Burrito Box” and that would sound like a completely different place altogether, one I’m not sure I want to go to, Burrito Box is actually a phenomenal replacement. (Though never in my heart, only in my stomach.) Overall, I’d give this trip to Burrito Box an A and a smiley face sticker. Good job, Burrito Box, in this crazy world of ours, you bring me comfort. And bean burps. (It’s like lunch all over again!)

update on my soulmate

for some reason he really responded to that email about cutting our baby in half and sent along a picture of his face. and well, um, we're not soulmates.
am i a jerk? maybe i should stick to meeting boys the old-fashioned way, on the train.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I found my soulmate but he won't answer my stupid email

I may have led you to believe that during my epidsode of insomnia a few nights ago all i did was think about burritoville. not the case. in fact i thought about burritoville and how pathetic it is that i have nothing better to think about than burritoville because i haven't kissed a boy in so long and haven't even had reason to shave my legs in even longer. so i thought to myself, "i bet craigslist is a good place to find a dude." I feel like in a couple months when i'm beating back the suitors with a stick I'll giggle at the fact that I once (maybe twice) went on the craigslist m4w section and answered an ad in earnest. I just felt like this ad was posted exactly for me and you'll see why when you read it. It's prob going to come down in a few days so here's a screen grab to keep my blog relevant:


so, probably the things i want in a dude, in order are:
1- interest in comics, namely batman
2- tattoos
3- nipple piercing
4- skinniness

that's pretty much all i need. so i wrote a witty response which is too embarrasing to share here. you should also know that my fakeout email address which i use for answering craigslist personal ads and signing up for newsletters and junk like that is arkham_asylum_info. That's the insane asylum in Gotham for those of you who don't know and suck. So wouldn't you think this guy would fall in love with me based on that alone? Well he didn't and never responded so i just wrote this:

wow, i thought we were gonna totally fall in love, get married, have babies, get divorced, have an ugly custody battle, and ultimately take a lesson from the bible and cut the babies in half.

guess not. punk.

i keep doing/saying inappropriate and embarrasing things today

some of these things include:
announcing in an elevator that i slept for 12 hours last night so when i woke up i really had to pee.

later in the afternoon running into someone who was in said elevator, and you know when the last thing you said to someone was vaguely inappropriate you want to just say something else so at least it's not the last thing you said to them? Anyway so i saw this guy again and said, "looks like a hearty lunch." he had a cup of coffee. so that was like kind of jerky but i didn't mean it.

i was supposed to meet a friend at a diner for lunch but he didn't show up so after sitting by myself for 15 or 20 minutes the waiter asked if i wanted to order and i said, "no thanks i have asthma" and left.

Then on the way back to my office i saw nina garcia but you know when you see someone that looks familiar but you're not sure from where you're like "oh i better smile or say hey because i think i work with that person or at least used to." So we met eyes and i smiled and said "hey" and only then did i realize that it was nina garcia of project runway fame and she is not and has never been a coworker of mine.

all this and it's only like 1:30.

for those of you who expressed concern about my insomnia

which was really only erin and elana.

I slept from 7:45pm last night to 7:30am this morning. No thoughts of burritoville, but i did have a dream that i had to buy cupcakes based only on what they look like and i wasn't allowed to know what flavor they were and what was inside. i got one that looked like cookie dough but it was filled with cream cheese. so that was a nightmare.

Monday, December 1, 2008

new name

i haven't forgotten about renaming this blog and i think the name is going to come from Doom Patrol because I'm for realzies obsessed with it. I can't believe I haven't read them yet and now I am trying to make it last. It's only 6 TPs. No one that reads this blog cares about Doom Patrol which breaks my heart.
Anyway there are amazing bad guys with awesome names and I think I'm going to name my blog after one of them. first I have to read all the books so in a couple weeks maybe I'll have a vote.
cool?
cool

insomnia...

...it's a real thing. I have to be at work in 5 hours and I seriously can't fall asleep because i can't stop thinking about burritoville. Here are just some of the thoughts i've had about burritoville in the last several hours:

1- maybe it will re-open. maybe they're just renovating.
2- Maybe i dreamed it and they are in fact still open.
3- this sucks; i miss burritoville
4- maybe i should start a petition
5- maybe when the economy turns around they'll reopen
6- i didn't love it that much. in fact i always told darya to remind me that the guacamole wasn't worth the extra 2 bucks.
7- who am i kidding? it was worth every penny.
8- Maybe if i google "just like burritoville" I'll find the next best thing.
9- Did burritoville only exist in new york? maybe there are still some in other states and i can go on a road trip for the best burrito known to man.
10- I wish burritoville didn't close.
11- i really thought after a few months i'd just forget about it but if anything it's gotten worse.
12- i wonder if there are any burrito joints that offer soy cheese and free chips. i guess that would make me at least a little happy.
13- burritoville, population: zero