Friday, November 28, 2008

dear one little fish

i'm thankful for you every day. not just on thanksgiving. all the stuff on that list i only care about today. tomorrow i go back to thinking pat is annoying and smelly and never checking the weather because who fuckin cares about meteorology.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Another email I sent to myself

On Mon, Sept 29, 2008 at 11:01 AM, Mara _____ wrote:

Mara, this is real. don't ever forget that.

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Where_does_the_guy_put_his_penis_at_when_you_are_having_sex

In honor of thanksgiving

I'd like to take this yearly opportunity to express thanks for the really great things in my life. I'm thankful for:

- Lactaid
- Pat Driscoll
- Carlos (my car)
- That people can't smell their own breath
- Gravity
- Meteorology
- Pre Tax Metrocards
- Fingerless gloves being back in style
- Electricity
- That I'm a good speller
- That a have a reliable internal clock
- That i don't live during a time when women didn't wear pants. or vote or have jobs, but mostly the pants.
- NYC recycling policies
- My mom and brothers
- comic books
- That i don't live during a time when there were no tampons. so, i guess just "tampons."
- Modern dentistry
- Fruit Roll Ups

Oh my god! I almost forgot!

I have a new reader. writer of Better Chatter and an all around great guy: let's hear it for Josh everybody!
Josh is 1/2 of the In The Wheelhouse Podcast team. If you'll recall, Brandon is the other 1/2 of the team and when i wrote about him i didn't know how to hyperlink. that was probably only about 5 short weeks ago and look how far I've come. as a blogger. pretty far.
Back to Josh. Josh, you really should've come to canada with us. No road trip is the same without you. I would imagine. even though I've probably never been in a car with you.
Josh loves george plimpton. so much.
Josh lives in brooklyn and reads the sunday paper in the same coffee shop every week. You might think this makes him a boring, predictable person but it's just the opposite. This is actually the only predictable thing about josh. Monday-Saturday I couldn't even tell you what state he's going to be in, geographical or emotional. He's a loose fucking cannon. One of the wildest, craziest, most incalculable guys in this city. Except on sundays.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

you know what's weird?

wallpaper.
seriously? wall. paper.

gross

my favorite band in the whole world and all of history, coheed and cambria, just announced a US tour with SlipKnot. Ew. Do i have to go to that?

and here's another:

On Tue, Oct 28, 2008 at 10:49 AM, Mara L_____ wrote:

it's ok. just be yourself.

I sometimes write emails to myself

and here's one i just found:

From: L_____, Mara
Sent: Wednesday, September 03, 2008 4:42 PM
To: L_____, Mara
Subject:

Dear Mara,
Every time you eat pad see ew you feel like shit after. Stop eating it.
Thinking of you,
Mara

Monday, November 24, 2008

Tissue? I hardly know you!

Raise your hand if you think tissues are a luxury and real men use toilet paper. We're in a recession people, show a little tact!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

An email-for-email account of my relationship with einstein lip company

liptheory.com to me
Oct 12

Thank You for your order! Einstein Cosmetics values your business very much, and your order will be processed and shipped to you as soon as possible.
Have a Beautiful Day! Thank you. :)

me to liptheory.com
Nov 4
Hi, I'm writing because I placed an order through your website. My credit card has been charged but i have not recieved my order. There was a link provided to check delivery status but there is no status...
Can you help?
Thanks
Mara


me to liptheory.com
Nov 12

Hi- I never recieved this order and when i check the status via the
provided link there is no information.
Can you let me know when i can expect the shipment please?
Thanks so much!


me to admin@liptheory.com
Nov 14

I placed this order several weeks ago and have not recieved it. Just found this email address on your website. Maybe you'll answer me?


me to liptheory.com
Nov 19

So, your customer service is clearly for the birds. I guess cancel this order and I'll get your product from a different online vendor. I'm kind of baffled that you're still in business. Wait, are you still in business?

I got it bad for Jason Mewes


My cousin just wrote a blog post yesterday in which she mentioned not liking a certain author's books. Well, that author wrote a comment on her blog suggesting that maybe she should give her books a chance. whoa right? google alert on yourself?!
Anyway, it got me thinking, maybe Jason Mewes has a google alert on himself and maybe he'll see this and we can finally start our love affair.

So, the real embarrassing thing, and the thing that might stand in the way of me and jason mewes dating, is that i fell in love with him as a result of a movie i imagine he hates and probably regrets making. And that movie is Bottoms Up starring Paris Hilton. I've seen it twice. It's fucking terrible but Jason Mewes is so charming and hot in it. He totally courts paris hilton's character the exact way i want to be courted: blackmails her into letting him hang out with her rich and famous friends after he is accidentally identified as her stalker by a gossip magazine, but after spending time with her is then surprised that beneath the beautiful and well-kept exterior she has a deep soul and a love of literature and homeless people! swoooon. It's so can't buy me love.

Anyway Jason Mewes is totally hot in this movie and after watching it for the second time i googled him and he's a recovering junkie which, sad as it sounds, is perfect for me! I'm straight edge and there would be no awkward "shit, i kind of want a glass of wine with dinner but i don't want to drink in front of my ex-junkie boyfriend." because i never want to drink! Oh yeah and he reads comics. this is not actually substantiated but i think he probably reads comics, right? and, duh, i love comics.
So, Jason Mewes, if you're googling yourself, you should email me. i'm really fun and awesome and just ignore any references in this blog to me farting and burping and having occasional diarrhea. it's for the sake of art. none of that is true.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

dear microsoft word,

stop automatically changing "realzies" to "realizes." I mean realzies.

totes stole this "open letter to microsoft re: spell check" from brandon.

Beating Pat to the punch

last night's gossip girl sucked. the characters were very unnatural. there were too many things introduced and then resolved in the same episode: The Captain. Aaron caring about serena's drinking. They also really shouldn't ever make nate have to act dramatic. And vanessa - you're gross. I can't even believe how gross you are and you always wear big dumb stupid earrings. get a life.
Jenny - grow up. get a new haircut and design a dress with an appropriate hemline.
serena- you're hot. keep doing what you're doing. but stop dating such pansies.
chuck - start being sexy again.

yeah, that's it. but as pat pointed out, it's a thanksgiving episode so maybe i shouldn't hold it to the same standards.

Monday, November 17, 2008

new name methinks

So, i made up the name for this blog with brooke. it was going to be our joint secret blog but that didn't happen. we came up with the name at tea lounge when we decided to open a competitive tea spot called tea veaux where we would have themed tivo nights and teas. So, like one night we'd save up a bunch of 90s sitcoms like Living Single and Family Matters and you could come watch those shows and drink urkell grey instead of earl grey, or some gimmicky crap like that.

Then, like a month later, we decided we would have a secret blog where we would post rants. the list of proposed rants read:
Clear Bra Straps
Canada

then we never did that but i registered this url because it seemed like we were really gonna do it.

Now we're here. it's just me. there are really no rants. and i don't want the name tea-veaux anymore. I am not gonna change the url but i'm gonna change the name. lots of people do that.

So what should the new name be? the only thing i can think of is "Past the Fence" which is a super nerdy coheed reference but it's one of those phrases that i always loved. any other ideas? I'm very impressionable.

i'm in a very crap mood today...

...it's probably because i farted audibly during a dinner date on friday. now i'm drawing a comic about it. yeah, this is it. this is my life.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Size Matters

at least when it comes to tootsie rolls. No, that's not a euphemism; i'm really talking about the delicious chocolatey snack.

There's really no explanation for this but the size of a tootsie roll is directly proportional to how much i like the taste of it. The big ones that are segmented and basically are a candy bar?: where do i sign?
Midgees?: Uhh, did we lose a war or something?

a very good plan

So I'm not sure if anyone is aware but my ipod broke and i have almost nothing backed up. cool. i do have the sweeney todd soundtrack, and i have some NPR podcasts, and i have a mix tape luke allen made me in 2003. Other than that, nothing.
So, this is not a great segue but you know the postal service album give up? it's totally old and played out for most people but i'm very late to the game (or dance, i never know if it's game or dance). Mostly because when people discovered postal service i was still all about like alkaline trio and mxpx and less than jake. well now i fucking love this album and it was getting to be that album that i listen to all day and was going to soon be sick of. But i never got there with it because my ipod broke. SOOOOO there are a couple shared itunes libraries at my work. So someone has this album and my plan is just to listen to it on repeat all day so i get totally sick of it and don't want it anymore. One less album to download.
pretty great plan right?
i'm an idiot.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

most things i like very much

I just realized i've posted some very negative things lately. I hate straw wrappers! screw gchat! fuck turkeys! Pat smells!
So to restore your faith that I am a happy and stable individual, let's talk about some things i love:

I love when you order something fried (french fries, onion rings etc...) and you get a surprise from the fryer. Like one wayward chicken nugget in your onion ring order. Or a mozzarella stick in your fried zucchini. how great is that?

i love when i think pat's not home but he is and he has no pants on

this

this

never before seen footage

i love a lot of other stuff too. this is just some of it.

gchat status

As most of you know i do not socially network online. I'm not on facebook or myspace. The reasons for this decision abound. I do not want to stalk anyone or be stalked by anyone. And i know myself. recovering alcoholics don't hang out in bars. I don't socially network. Same thing.
I also don't want people from high school or camp or something looking me up and saying, "god her boobs got big." or "I thought she wanted to work in forensics, and she's a marketing associate? She really gave up the dream".

That being said i have nothing against gchat. i think it's fine. anyone in my gchat is someone i've emailed with and they're ok with me. however, something i am not, and will never be, ok with is when people put the "busy" status on their gchat. UHHHH, if you're busy why are you on gchat? sign off, you can still get your email. when i see that stupid red dot next to someone's name i feel like they are saying, "i'm busy, but i'm online so if it's an emergency you can interrupt." A) I'm sure if i had to let you know about an emergency i would use gchat as my method of communication. B) shut the fuck up. C) Make a decision. You can chat or you can't. If you can't, sign the fuck off. Or go invisible. That's fine too. at least you're not saying "i'm busy."

and this is why i'm not allowed to do anything online

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

i think i'm done...

... with turkey countdown. it's a funny thing to think about but i just hate it. it's not fun.
if i get one vote to continue, i will.
Voting is now open.

Monday, November 10, 2008

turkey countdown

so bored of this

A lesson from my father

"Never trust a guy with a side part"

ok, this one i'm not so sure i understand. So let's just take the facts. I'm going to find some dudes with side parts and tell you if i trust them or not:


Distrust


Trust


Trust, duh.


Distrust


Trust


Distrust

ok, it seems the results are inconclusive.

Another everyday object that makes me uncomfortable


I like a good home science experiment as much as the next guy, actually probably more than the next guy, but you know when people scrunch down the paper straw wrapper, place it on the table, and then slowly add water (or soda) drops to it so it unravels like a worm or snake... ugh, i'm getting squeamish just writing about it. I actually have really mixed feelings about this whole thing that i will explore in detail here. Ok, it's actually really cool and makes me feel nostalgic for the nathans that used to be across from waldbaum's on 116th street, which is the site of my first experience with straw wrapper worms. but really, wet paper in general makes me very itchy and uncomfortable and this business with the straw wrappers ends up a soggy mess and just makes me feel so weird inside. writing this, i just said 'uh' out loud. that's how i feel about it. i get the same feeling in my stomach when something spills and people put a bunch of napkins on it and those first few napkins are REALLY saturated. just not even recognizable as napkins anymore. makes me feel so gross inside. yuck. and probably the most surprising part of all is that i don't mind sponges in the least. because they were made to get saturated and full, but paper products end up just kind of soggy and like drippy and it's all just too much for me.

Friday, November 7, 2008

turkey countdown


i like when the stuffing (noun) is actually stuffing (progressive verb)

dear pat,

remember when the mattress doctor stole my books?
love, mara

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Turkey Countdown


Mmmm, dark meat.

Things I would Never Say in Real Life but will Write in an EMail

"Chugging along here!"

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Lies I told recently

1- "I can't tonight, I have a date." with myself and fucking Naomi and Ethan from 90210 and baked lays.

2- "sorry i didn't pick up; I was sleeping." i definitely was not sleeping but sometimes when you call I get overwhelmed and just don't pick up. (don't worry this is not you)

3- "Yeah we can probably give you a ride to Philly." No we can't because we want to talk about boys in the car. Namely you.

4-"We've all got a department meeting in 1/2 hour." Just a big fat lie. There's no meeting. I just want this meeting to only last 1/2 hour.

5- "Nope, there are no more chewy gobstoppers." There are actually probably like 8 left but they're mine. fuck you.

turkey countdown

Lessons my father taught me

He was a very wise man and also a very funny one. There wasn't much "come here and sit on my knee so I can bestow upon you the lessons of life." But he dropped some knowledge in his own way.

Lesson #1: "If a white man can dance he's gay."

I think my dad was really worried I was going to somehow end up dating a gay guy and then be heartbroken when i found out. I mean, how ridiculous. That would never happen. Not to me! tee hee.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Turkey countdown

Am I really going to do a turkey countdown? Yeah, I guess I am. I briefly considered being clever and putting a map of Turkey (yuk, yuk) one day and maybe a hand turkey the next, and then a turkey sandwich. How clever! Instead, I'm going to just put a beautiful, scrumptious-looking holiday bird each and every day. Just good old fashioned home cookin'. So get ready.

I'm good at some things

Probably my number one best quality is my ability to accurately guess how long things will take. Seriously, I'm scarily good at it. People that know this about me sometimes ask me to help them figure out when to leave their apartment in order to do x, y, and z and get to a certain place at a certain time.
Anyway, this morning I voted. After careful consideration I decided I would wake up at 7 to be at my polling location by 7:30 and on the train by 8:35 putting my at my desk at exactly 9am.
I got to work at 7:50.
Probably my second best quality is my ability to sleep at my desk and still look like I'm awake and working.

Monday, November 3, 2008

ew

i called you guys "folks" twice in the last three emails.
gross

I'm not a chicken; you're a turkey!

Welcome to november folks. I promised a turkey countdown and you're getting one. Let's begin with a simple holiday bird. If this doesn't get your proverbial mouth proverbially watering i don't know what will.