I live with my boyfriend on the mean streets of Manhattan's lower east side. I'm just sayin: I grew up here and am not an alarmist, the couple streets around ours can get pretty hairy. So, he's away for the week and I get scared that a killer is going to target me. So here's what I do to make sure no one knows I'm home alone. (KEVIN!)
When i open the door I say, "Hey babe, you're home already? How was work?*
*Yesterday I said, "Oh smells good! What are you cooking?"
I don't have the shades open. But the day he left they were open from that morning so in case a killer was watching me close them I laughed while i was doing it and kind of looked behind me at one point, suggesting there was a (funny) man lurking in the shadowy corners.
His friend from upstairs called and asked for him. (We have a landline. How weird is that?) and instead of saying "he's in L.A. for the week" I said, "I'm not sure where he is but I'll tell him you called."
I ordered enough food for two meals so it didn't seem like I was ordering for one. One was a meat dish because men eat meat.
I just lied about that. But I ran out of things and realized this is boring and well-trodden territory. You're neurotic! we know! well fuck you guys.
And now I'm convinced some killer is reading this and is gonna brutalize me. Just don't ok?