Thursday, January 29, 2009

it's an emergency!

A few things:
I work in book publishing; there are very few emergencies. It's a pretty slow-paced industry. So, whenever someone in my office is running I assume the emergency is in his or her colon and that he or she is running to the bathroom. this is probably not the case for the most part.

Josh, sorry this blog has gotten so scatological lately. i know you don't like that. but it's a part of life and maybe you should just accept it.

tough love

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Must love mildly inappropriate googling

I just went to lunch with a new boy i'm really liking, and i've been thinking about the fact that he sorta knows me but i've basically been hiding the silly side of me. Because, well, it's very silly and a little scary. And he's like a grown up and i'm really not.
Anyway I decided to sort of introduce him a little bit to this part of my personality by letting him know about, what else, my obsession with babies in costumes. Here's how it went down:

Me: so i read on the internet that if you feel like you're getting a cold you should put hydrogen peroxide in your ears. so i did it last night and i think it worked!

Him: Do you believe everything you read on the internet? I'm going to start posting stuff for you to find and convince you that blow jobs are good for cardiac health.

Me: that's actually probably true... And if you want me to find stuff on the internet some phrases I often google include, "cute cupcakes," "fart facts," and "babies in costumes."

Him: You really look at babies in costumes a lot?

Me: yeah. a lot.

Him: I feel like it's undignified. Babies deserve a little dignity even if they are so small.

Me: yeah you know? I do get a weird feeling about the costumes that are basically just bunting. like, without any leg mobility for the baby. But, i think, as long as the baby can walk and move freely within the costume, yeah i'm a big supporter of babies in costumes. really big.

Him: Ok, well, i think i need to think about this. I'll call you.

So, I hope that didn't freak him out because it's really just the tip of a huge iceberg of weirdness. But, then again, if that's enough to freak him out he could never hang.

Friday, January 23, 2009

how old are you now?

woke up in my childhood bedroom clutching fluffy (childhood stuffed dog) - 5 years old

drove to work and parked in a well-priced lot on 11th ave - 32 years old

Started a phone conversation with a vendor, "to be frank, i'm underwhelmed" - 40 years old and kind of a jerk

realized i left wallet in car but refused to give up friday burrito day so paid in quarters found in my desk/jacket/bookbag - 16 years old

told work colleague i had to use the restroom during a conversation, paused, said, "actually it's not ready." - 7 years old

got a snack with anonymous, a candy grab bag - 10 years old

decided i'm too old to eat pixy stix - 25 years old

changed my mind, and ate the pixy stix - 12 years old

ate another pixy stix - 12 years old

felt gross after and won't do it again - 25 years old

blogged about it - 25 and losery

today i am: 19 years old. "barely legal" oooh yeeeaahh, sexy!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

god has smiled upon me this day

1- there hasn't been hot chocolate in the cafeteria in damn near a week. it's been so long that i forgot to even check today. but Anonymous asked me to come with her to get a snack and aaaahhhhh - hot muthafuckin chocolate! that ahhh should read like the sound in a cartoon when the clouds part and an angel or other celestial being descends.

2- as you all know, i had i big ass pimple on my chin this week. tonight i have plans with a certain somebody and moments ago i rubbed my hand against my chin and the gross pimple scab fell off, revealing new, pink, unblemished skin beneath. and just in time for my dinner date!

thanks god. i owe you one (two)

Dear Snapple Fact Finders

Get to work.
You've been telling me that "Frogs never drink" and "crocodiles can't move their tongues" for like 10 years.
make with the research. we live in the information age and this bullshit isn't going to cut it any longer.


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Inauguration day*

Taken directly from an email i just sent Jerome:

on this historic day, I have a pimple so bad on my chin that my boss asked me, “what happened?” and I said, “just a little late-breaking puberty” he said, “oh, sorry, I thought you fell or something”

* I was positive i spelled that wrong but it was right!

Friday, January 16, 2009

How Old Are You Now?

This is fun.
Today I:

scheduled a conference call with a literary agent in Ireland: Age 35
Sipped some Tension Tamer tea: Age 70
Paid my bills online: Age 30
Looked up the lyrics to a bright eyes song: age 15
called my mom twice: Age 8
got a tension headache: age 45
Started a phone conversation, "yo yo yo yo yo": age 17

Today I Am: 31 years old

More superstition

This blog has allowed me to realize just how superstitious and ridiculous i am.
A very long time ago i decided that if i ever turned off the light while i was looking at my face in a mirror i would die. Even though I've done it several times by accident and not died. I guess it just feels like you're dead. One minute you're looking at your own reflection, reflecting on the fact that we can even do this - look at our own reflections. And then - darkness, nothing at all, at least for a few seconds. That's pretty death-feeling right? So i guess that's why i don't like to turn off the light when i'm looking in the mirror and some part of me thinks it will kill me.

really well-adjusted,

Thursday, January 15, 2009

How old are you now?

I got peanut m&ms for a nice little afternoon snack. Getting peanut m&ms makes me feel like a grown up. Even though real grown ups probably snack on like trail mix, the kind without chocolate. But it's more grown up than regular m&ms right? when i was a kid you couldn't pay me to pick peanut over regular. But now, i've matured and i've realized that it's probably a tiny bit more healthy and arguably more delicious. However, it bothers me that they come in the same size bag because that probably means i'm getting less pieces. but same like net volume. but still... it's kind of upsetting.

then on my way back to my desk i swung by the free book shelves where i saw a book and said, out loud to nobody, "whoa, awesome!" That book was entitled: SPACE ART: How to Draw and Paint Planets, Moons, and Landscapes of Alien Worlds.

So all together I'm at about age 14 today.

Monday, January 12, 2009

how dare you ask me that?

So, my cousin 1 Little Fish had an interview posted on her blog that another blogger sent her, you know like an interview chain. so now it's my turn, here are the rules:
1. If you want to participate, leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” (And your e-mail address, please.)
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

And here are her questions (and my answers)

1. What three songs have influenced your life in some way and why?
Put It In My Mouth by akinyele (i didn't even have to look that up. I knew who sings that song and how to spell it. whoa) this song influenced me in that it led me to believe that during a blowjob you do in fact, blow. Luckily, i never tried to give a "blow"job in real life because i've never seen a penis and am very prude.

Gonna Make You Love Me by Ryan Adams I've told many of you this story before because i love it and it sums up my dad. He never ever got the lyrics to songs right but would belt out the wrong lyrics with such commitment. This song begins, "Riot in the streets. Touched beneath the sheets." But my dad would sing, "Quiet in the streets. Tucked between the sheets." Completely changing the meaning and tone of the song. that's funny.

Adrian by Mason Jennings The first time I heard this song was during a live show that i went to by myself because i'm really cool and had a lot of friends in college. I don't know if i was menstruating or what but i stood in this venue in detriot all by myself and bawled. it's a really great song and will make you cry if you have a heart.

2. If you could spend one night alone with anyone in the world doing whatever you wanted, who would it be and what would you do?
I would probably want to spend it with like a really famous energy healer and i would ask that he/she spend all night curing me of my incessant burping. That's a 100% true non-sarcastic answer.

3. If you had to describe the most memorable night of your life what would you say?
you may not know this but i have pretty much the worst memory on planet earth. Just this past weekend someone was telling me things i said/did last weekend and i didn't remember any of it. And the worst part is i can't remember any of it now. But i know i said, "oh that's funny, I wish i remembered saying it" and now, gone again.
So, maybe not THE most memorable night of my life, but one that i can at least recall:
Sleepaway Camp, 1997. We had this game that at 1:23 in the morning each night someone had to do a dare. So if your math is up to date i was 13 this summer. I was dared to go to the boys bunk and steal some underwear or something. I made it into the bunk undetected. I wore black sweatpants and black hoodie. I was just going through the cubbies looking for whatever booty i was sent for when the front door of the bunk opened and a flashlight was shone inside. my back was turned. The voice of the group leader, who could have me sent home from camp if i got caught, sounded and he said, "Josh, get back in bed you putz." I had very short hair and a boyish figure at the time. So i stepped sideways without turning around and got in the nearest bed. Of course the bed was already occupied but by the time the boy woke up the group leader had left. It was all very quick. Anyway i happened to get into bed with this boy david. He goes, "oh mara, I have a pineapple. want to share it." I did, so we did. It was a pretty memorable night.

4. If you could be a character in any book, which character would you be and why?
I would be raina in Blankets because aside from the evangelical christianity i kind of already am, on a good day.
This is her:

5. What are you most proud of?
being myself. even if i am a pig in so many ways.
I'm also proud of my ability to estimate how long things will take, as you know.
And i'm proud of my new mini comic which if i know you in real life you can totes have a copy of.

i like you a lot

Dear Stephanie-
The pressure to write you your very own post has gotten the best of me. You're so much more than a "hey someone actually reads this blog so I'll shout them out" post. But here goes:
Thanks for having lots of different words for pussy and using them with reckless abandon. Thanks for having a pussy tattoo. I think it's great that our summer laugh was completely shelved once fall came. that's commitment. If something is called a summer laugh i'm not using it in the other seasons. I like that we agree on this and we've never even talked about it. we don't have to talk about it because we're not idiots.
thanks for always having werthers and tea bags in your purse but not being an old lady and wrinkly and good-for-nothing.

this is my life

So, i had a black-and-blue on my ankle for a couple of days and i couldn't remember getting injured or bumping into anything. Then i took a shower and it came off. Cause it was dirt.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

just saying

you know what's dumb? In Clueless when they are learning about the Pismo Beach disaster and ms geist asks for donations and Cher fucking raises her hand in class right in the middle of Ms. Geist's call to action and says, "I want to help." Ok, i know this is like a turning point. she's becoming less selfish, focusing on the greater good, Josh is clearly having an effect on her. But really? You need to interrupt the class to say "i want to help?" Just sign the volunteer sheet or whatever like everyone else. asshole.

Monday, January 5, 2009

2008: a year in review COMIC!

Click to Enlarge!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

they;re way bigger than humans

Pat and Adrienne and I just watched a scary (scary movie. i like to just call them scaries) and all told what we thought were the scariest movies we've seen. I said Jurassic Park. might come as a shock to some because i'm not a pussy. but you know what? dinosaurs are giant and they eat people. and i'm a person. so fuck you.