Wednesday, September 16, 2009

My second favorite movie

So, I can't believe how much i love Con Air. I bawl every time i see that ending.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Lists I've been working on

So I've been working on two lists. One is a lists of slogans for things that don't need slogans. The other is a list of celebrities that i think probably get a lot of Diarrhea.

Here's the slogans:
Soap: would you lather be dirty?
Fax machines: It’s 2009, I think we can stop, right?
Belts: pants falling down? Tie one round!
Sneezing: 1/8 of an orgasm and 1/8 as messy.
Ear canal: no, not panama canal, I said ear canal, you should clean yours out!
Driving: because sometimes it’s too far to walk, and public transportation is proving inconvenient, and you don’t have a beach cruiser yet.
Sex: just do it. Well, don’t just do it. I mean, you should have some feelings involved.
Breathing: don’t forget.
Chew: or else you’ll fucking choke.
Hair: as long as it’s in the right places, a really great thing.
Skin: totally normal on your body, totally gross as flakes falling off your body.
Water: You need it. Really. You do. Or you’ll die.
Blood: It Runs Right Through You. but not the bad way like when something gives you diarrhea
Parsley: we don’t dip it in the ‘tears of our ancestors’ for nothing
Science: even science can’t explain it.
Vegetables: still fighting the association with brain-dead people
Brains: we’re in charge!
Movement: it’s a movement!
Legumes: Not that easy to say or spell, but great for eating.
The common cold: pass it on

Thursday, July 16, 2009


My boss just called a purse a "pocketbook" and it sort of melted the cold, cold heart I have for him and made me hate him a little less. Because, it's 2009, who says "pocketbook?"

Friday, July 10, 2009

An Open Letter

Dear Straight Edge NYC Meet-Up Group-
I think it would be ok to plan something that does not involve a punk show.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

i decided i should eff Langhorne Slim

I like his tunes and I like his face.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

guest post

I guest blogged over at my cousin's blog today. I feel kind of dirty about the whole thing.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

New comic for my friend's band, Thought So.

Click image after the jump to enlarge.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Overheard at work

Today has been really interesting here. A non-native English speaker asked a coworker, "sorry, what is a crib?"
The coworker answered, "A crib is where a baby sleeps, or in the black vernacular it’s your home."

"the black vernacular?" is that appropriate?

So we can say 'black vernacular' but anal is off limits? I'm so confused.

Maybe Josh can weigh in...

I just asked my coworker, a 26 year old straight woman from Ohio how she is doing. She said, “eh.” I asked what was wrong. She said, “I have to read all these books for work and it seems like they all have anal sex in them.”

Me: “awesome. What’s the problem?”
Her: “Well I don’t like to read disgusting stuff like that.”
Me: “Why was it disgusting? Are you homophobic? Was it graphic?”
Her: “No, and it was heterosexual anal sex.”
Me: “ok, well was it consensual?”
Her: “yeah. I just think it’s disturbing to read about.”
Me: “why because you just wish you were having it?”
Her: “No.”
Me: “Ok”

I don’t know man. You’re 26, you live in NY, you work in an industry that might force you to read stuff outside your comfort zone. How is heterosexual, consensual, anal sex disturbing and disgusting?

Friday, June 19, 2009

can't find it

I can't find the article. I thought it would be somewhere in my gmail but it's definitely not. I hate that these things are heartbreaking given the situation. I feel guilty for losing it because it's part of a finite set of memories now.

gmail searches and missing my dad

I've been thinking about my dad a lot. Probably because Father's day is approaching.

Something i like to do from time to time is search for a word in my gmail and find funny, old, forgotten emails. I searched "my dad." Here are some results:

"If my dad were to blurb a book it'd have to be a book about having bbq sauce on your chin and/or shirt"

"I was just watching a boxing match with my dad and one of the fighters' shorts were falling down and down and down so slowly. I never saw my dad so rapt."

"Well, I ended up writing a ridiculous account of a dialogue I had with my Dad about stoops. I turned it in sort of as a joke but my editor printed it and titled it "Mr. Lander's Neighborhood." (I gotta find that article!)

"at some point today my dad said, to no one in particular, "was there ever a menstruation Barbie?"

"I just showed my dad myspace because he heard about it on NPR and wanted to have a look for himself. A real bonding moment in the Lander family."

"So today at work I somehow got into a conversation about how my dad changed his name (true) and so I told my coworker that I also changed my name when I was 17 (false). I played it cool for a while making him wonder about my possible birth name. Then, after much cajoling, I told him my parents named me Vampire."

And, for fun, here's a great picture of him:

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Funny memories of my dad

My dad was funny.
One time I left my AOL instant messenger open on his computer. I got home a couple hours later and he said, "these pop up ads are really out of control. They even somehow find your name and plant it in the ads. A ton of them said 'mara' today."

Old folks.

Another time i was talking to him about what dress I should wear to this wedding i was going to. He goes, "you should really consult with Lindsay." I was like, "huh?" He said, "Lindsay Lohan. She wears dresses all the time." He loved Lindsay Lohan and thought she was way underrated.

Now I'm sad.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

New Comic

I made this for my friend Dylan as part of a craft exchange. Started by Megan. Hi Megan! The big joke is in the last panel (that's how comics work. duh!) but it's very small in the scan, so get out your magnifying glasses!

The first 2 panels are true. the rest is make-believe!

Click to enlarge (double duh!)Thanks to my production dept Mike who scanned and fixed this:

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Strange food habits and where i picked them up

Remember when Donna Martin admits to liking popcorn on her ice cream? Consider this blog entry my that.

- Sugar, instead of syrup, on pancakes and waffles. This (delicious) idea came about in the summer of 1993 in sleepaway camp. The Scouts (my bunk that year) were notorious for having food fights. Whenever we started a food fight we would lose privileges to certain foods. Syrup, in all it's stickiness, was one of the first to go. So, we replaced it with straight sugar and I've never looked back.

- Eating spaghetti sauce, cold, right of of the jar with a spoon. This is something i started doing in college when i had gazpacho for the first time, because it's basically the same thing right?

- Another college treat is something my good buddy Sarah calls doody. We didn't have ovens or anything so we would buy brownie mix and just mix water in until it was a doody consistency. I don't still do this, but it was effing good.

- Another delicious snack I have given up involves rolling 3 marshmallows in a fruit roll up and then twisting the ends. This creation never received a name, unfortunately. I learned this one from kids i was babysitting in probably like 1997 or so.

- Have you ever had a cream cheese bagel with doritos smashed in it? Well, you should, because it's delicious. I used to eat these when i worked at Baja. Every high school kid in long beach eats them. You don't even have to buy the bag of doritos you just order them on the actual bagel.

- Tomatoes with ketchup. redundant? yes! pretty tasty? indeed! This was another camp thing. I don't remember how it started. Probably some diet my whole bunk was on one year or something.

I can't think of any more...

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

This is it.

Last week Brandon and I ran into a homeless guy i've made out with.
This is my life.

psychoanalyze away

At this suckfest of a job I am often on the phone, on hold. During this time I write things down absent-mindedly. Here are some highlights from the notepad next to my phone:

“Special themes in literature:
- frogs talking
- really anything that doesn’t talk, talking
- even babies. But really young ones.”

“Here I come Pig” and then a drawing of mickey mouse.

“sunny-side down eggs. Sad.”

“Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily.”

“This is effed.”

“is this region mountainous?”

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

more things that happened today

this is basically twittering right? should i twitter?

1- got an email entitled "cake." and then it was about how someone at work wanted cake, not that there was cake to be had. thanks a lot for that fake out (cake out).

2- i told my boss he was like uncle scrooge from duck tales except instead of the smell of money waking him up it's the sound of envelopes being opened with a letter opener. he kind of laughed.

Some things that have happened today already:

1- dropped id card and 6 dollars in toilet at work. retreived it.

2- got a bluberry muffin in which the ratio of blueberries to muffin was incredibly unsatisfactory. i'm sorry, i thought i ordered a blueberry muffin not fucking baked blueberries with an occassional bite of pastry.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

mergh update mergh

Very quick:
still at shity job. working on getting outta here.but wn't blog about all that because i've learned from the mistakes of my friends.
got awesome new aladdin-style pants that i will wear all summer.
told pat i'm moving out in the fall. it was sad. I love him very much.
working on lots o comics. more to come. also thinking of making a comics and cakes only website. because some people might just want to read comics and see some super kick cakes, but not read about farts and sex.

Friday, April 24, 2009


Steve (and later Jerome) tipped me off to the thing you can download to make your twitter feed look like an excel grid. What a great and nerdy idea! I love great nerds! So of course I wanted to find out who invented this and if he was sexy and if I wanted to sleep with him. What are the chances that this nerd is a hot nerd? Here he is, Elliott Kember, a very cute nerd from England. Elliott, I totally have it bad for you now. Thanks for being the best kind of nerd. A nerd I would fuck for shallow reasons.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Two in one day!

Wow. Somebody grew some balls. Well like one ball. I am too scared to actually open the blogger window and type a blog entry into it. But I wrote this in a word doc and will quickly paste it into blogger while no one is looking. Muhahaha!

So, yesterday I went to the vending machine, which is kind of a fat kid move, but that’s not the point of this story. I bought a bag of pretzels and it got stuck. Stuck! In a vending machine! And all I could think was “aren’t we past this kind of thing? As a society? I mean, technologically?” It all just felt very early 90s to me. I feel like this kind of shit shouldn’t happen anymore, right? So, obviously, I just bought two bags of pretzels. And ate them both. Because I’m kind of a fat kid…

A very smart idea, from me, blanket

I have a really good invention and need some kind of scientist or nerd to help with the actual fabrication/programming. I want to make a “filter” that you can engage on your work computer so that when you visit websites like gmail, facebook, blogs, perezhilton etc. the content feeds through this filter and appears on your screen and looks like Outlook. So all the pictures and colors and stuff are taken out but you can read your gmail or your favorite blog and look like you’re doing work. Genuis! I know what you’re thinking. Why would you put this great idea on the internet for anyone to steal? The truth is I just want this product to be invented so I can use it at my shitty job. And then I won’t have to do any of the work in terms of startup, but later I can be like “look! This was my idea! Where’s my cut?!” and the proof that it was my idea is this very blog entry. You’re witnessing history right now.

Friday, April 10, 2009

A new comic! woot!

Click the sucka to enlarge!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Signs of (my) times

I feel like you know you have a shitty job when you use a letter opener at work. Like a lot. And not for fan mail.

Funny things Pat said during scenes of fraternity hazing on Greek last night

(from memory because he threw out the pizza box that i took notes on)

"There is nothing i want to be a part of badly enough that i would like, eat something gross."

"Oh sit on this block of ice." (which didn't happen on the show. He just thinks that's hazing.)

"I don't need friends that make me puke and then lick the puke. excuse me."

"Touching dude's dicks? that's ok. I would do that. Dick skin is like face skin."

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

update on which American Idols I'd eff

No on Von Smith. Not even oral. sorry. Even though he managed to not break into hives tonight for the first time ever.

and forgive my not being able to tell, but i have a history if this: is he gay?

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Season 8 American Idol contestants I would fuck and one i surprisingly wouldn't

would totes eff:
Kris Allen
kai kalama
matt giraud

Would not eff:
Adam Lambert

On the fence (maybe we just have oral with):
von smith

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

here's something funny.

I wrote myself an email with a list of goals several months ago. here's what was on it:
- Read more comics
- write more comics
- get job in comics
- be mysterious
- stop being the kind of person that writes herself "goals" emails
- be good sister
- skateboard to train; stop taking bus
- get better at embroidery and cross stitch
- pay bills on time
- read new yorker but not on train
- make comic-reading friends
- make everyone a birthday cake
- put super-kick music on ipod
- be happy and not crabby
- tivo forensic files and north mission road and body of evidence because you love those
- eat more spirulina
- make straight edge friends that aren't weird and straight-edgy
- call your aunt
- wash sheets more

How am i doing?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


i suck at blogging but here's why. I did all my blogging at work because i had a really nice and great job, at which i could do my work at my own pace, take breaks, blog...
Now i have a bogus horrible job and I can't even sign on to blogger.
I know what you're thinking: "then blog from home. we need you. you're so funny and charming." but home is for eating and masturbation; there's no blogging from there either.
So bear with me, I'm trying to get a new job.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

hi brandon

you may have read on my facebook status that i'm mad at you. well, I am, and now i'm using my blog to verify it.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

it's an emergency!

A few things:
I work in book publishing; there are very few emergencies. It's a pretty slow-paced industry. So, whenever someone in my office is running I assume the emergency is in his or her colon and that he or she is running to the bathroom. this is probably not the case for the most part.

Josh, sorry this blog has gotten so scatological lately. i know you don't like that. but it's a part of life and maybe you should just accept it.

tough love

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Must love mildly inappropriate googling

I just went to lunch with a new boy i'm really liking, and i've been thinking about the fact that he sorta knows me but i've basically been hiding the silly side of me. Because, well, it's very silly and a little scary. And he's like a grown up and i'm really not.
Anyway I decided to sort of introduce him a little bit to this part of my personality by letting him know about, what else, my obsession with babies in costumes. Here's how it went down:

Me: so i read on the internet that if you feel like you're getting a cold you should put hydrogen peroxide in your ears. so i did it last night and i think it worked!

Him: Do you believe everything you read on the internet? I'm going to start posting stuff for you to find and convince you that blow jobs are good for cardiac health.

Me: that's actually probably true... And if you want me to find stuff on the internet some phrases I often google include, "cute cupcakes," "fart facts," and "babies in costumes."

Him: You really look at babies in costumes a lot?

Me: yeah. a lot.

Him: I feel like it's undignified. Babies deserve a little dignity even if they are so small.

Me: yeah you know? I do get a weird feeling about the costumes that are basically just bunting. like, without any leg mobility for the baby. But, i think, as long as the baby can walk and move freely within the costume, yeah i'm a big supporter of babies in costumes. really big.

Him: Ok, well, i think i need to think about this. I'll call you.

So, I hope that didn't freak him out because it's really just the tip of a huge iceberg of weirdness. But, then again, if that's enough to freak him out he could never hang.

Friday, January 23, 2009

how old are you now?

woke up in my childhood bedroom clutching fluffy (childhood stuffed dog) - 5 years old

drove to work and parked in a well-priced lot on 11th ave - 32 years old

Started a phone conversation with a vendor, "to be frank, i'm underwhelmed" - 40 years old and kind of a jerk

realized i left wallet in car but refused to give up friday burrito day so paid in quarters found in my desk/jacket/bookbag - 16 years old

told work colleague i had to use the restroom during a conversation, paused, said, "actually it's not ready." - 7 years old

got a snack with anonymous, a candy grab bag - 10 years old

decided i'm too old to eat pixy stix - 25 years old

changed my mind, and ate the pixy stix - 12 years old

ate another pixy stix - 12 years old

felt gross after and won't do it again - 25 years old

blogged about it - 25 and losery

today i am: 19 years old. "barely legal" oooh yeeeaahh, sexy!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

god has smiled upon me this day

1- there hasn't been hot chocolate in the cafeteria in damn near a week. it's been so long that i forgot to even check today. but Anonymous asked me to come with her to get a snack and aaaahhhhh - hot muthafuckin chocolate! that ahhh should read like the sound in a cartoon when the clouds part and an angel or other celestial being descends.

2- as you all know, i had i big ass pimple on my chin this week. tonight i have plans with a certain somebody and moments ago i rubbed my hand against my chin and the gross pimple scab fell off, revealing new, pink, unblemished skin beneath. and just in time for my dinner date!

thanks god. i owe you one (two)

Dear Snapple Fact Finders

Get to work.
You've been telling me that "Frogs never drink" and "crocodiles can't move their tongues" for like 10 years.
make with the research. we live in the information age and this bullshit isn't going to cut it any longer.


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Inauguration day*

Taken directly from an email i just sent Jerome:

on this historic day, I have a pimple so bad on my chin that my boss asked me, “what happened?” and I said, “just a little late-breaking puberty” he said, “oh, sorry, I thought you fell or something”

* I was positive i spelled that wrong but it was right!

Friday, January 16, 2009

How Old Are You Now?

This is fun.
Today I:

scheduled a conference call with a literary agent in Ireland: Age 35
Sipped some Tension Tamer tea: Age 70
Paid my bills online: Age 30
Looked up the lyrics to a bright eyes song: age 15
called my mom twice: Age 8
got a tension headache: age 45
Started a phone conversation, "yo yo yo yo yo": age 17

Today I Am: 31 years old

More superstition

This blog has allowed me to realize just how superstitious and ridiculous i am.
A very long time ago i decided that if i ever turned off the light while i was looking at my face in a mirror i would die. Even though I've done it several times by accident and not died. I guess it just feels like you're dead. One minute you're looking at your own reflection, reflecting on the fact that we can even do this - look at our own reflections. And then - darkness, nothing at all, at least for a few seconds. That's pretty death-feeling right? So i guess that's why i don't like to turn off the light when i'm looking in the mirror and some part of me thinks it will kill me.

really well-adjusted,

Thursday, January 15, 2009

How old are you now?

I got peanut m&ms for a nice little afternoon snack. Getting peanut m&ms makes me feel like a grown up. Even though real grown ups probably snack on like trail mix, the kind without chocolate. But it's more grown up than regular m&ms right? when i was a kid you couldn't pay me to pick peanut over regular. But now, i've matured and i've realized that it's probably a tiny bit more healthy and arguably more delicious. However, it bothers me that they come in the same size bag because that probably means i'm getting less pieces. but same like net volume. but still... it's kind of upsetting.

then on my way back to my desk i swung by the free book shelves where i saw a book and said, out loud to nobody, "whoa, awesome!" That book was entitled: SPACE ART: How to Draw and Paint Planets, Moons, and Landscapes of Alien Worlds.

So all together I'm at about age 14 today.

Monday, January 12, 2009

how dare you ask me that?

So, my cousin 1 Little Fish had an interview posted on her blog that another blogger sent her, you know like an interview chain. so now it's my turn, here are the rules:
1. If you want to participate, leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” (And your e-mail address, please.)
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

And here are her questions (and my answers)

1. What three songs have influenced your life in some way and why?
Put It In My Mouth by akinyele (i didn't even have to look that up. I knew who sings that song and how to spell it. whoa) this song influenced me in that it led me to believe that during a blowjob you do in fact, blow. Luckily, i never tried to give a "blow"job in real life because i've never seen a penis and am very prude.

Gonna Make You Love Me by Ryan Adams I've told many of you this story before because i love it and it sums up my dad. He never ever got the lyrics to songs right but would belt out the wrong lyrics with such commitment. This song begins, "Riot in the streets. Touched beneath the sheets." But my dad would sing, "Quiet in the streets. Tucked between the sheets." Completely changing the meaning and tone of the song. that's funny.

Adrian by Mason Jennings The first time I heard this song was during a live show that i went to by myself because i'm really cool and had a lot of friends in college. I don't know if i was menstruating or what but i stood in this venue in detriot all by myself and bawled. it's a really great song and will make you cry if you have a heart.

2. If you could spend one night alone with anyone in the world doing whatever you wanted, who would it be and what would you do?
I would probably want to spend it with like a really famous energy healer and i would ask that he/she spend all night curing me of my incessant burping. That's a 100% true non-sarcastic answer.

3. If you had to describe the most memorable night of your life what would you say?
you may not know this but i have pretty much the worst memory on planet earth. Just this past weekend someone was telling me things i said/did last weekend and i didn't remember any of it. And the worst part is i can't remember any of it now. But i know i said, "oh that's funny, I wish i remembered saying it" and now, gone again.
So, maybe not THE most memorable night of my life, but one that i can at least recall:
Sleepaway Camp, 1997. We had this game that at 1:23 in the morning each night someone had to do a dare. So if your math is up to date i was 13 this summer. I was dared to go to the boys bunk and steal some underwear or something. I made it into the bunk undetected. I wore black sweatpants and black hoodie. I was just going through the cubbies looking for whatever booty i was sent for when the front door of the bunk opened and a flashlight was shone inside. my back was turned. The voice of the group leader, who could have me sent home from camp if i got caught, sounded and he said, "Josh, get back in bed you putz." I had very short hair and a boyish figure at the time. So i stepped sideways without turning around and got in the nearest bed. Of course the bed was already occupied but by the time the boy woke up the group leader had left. It was all very quick. Anyway i happened to get into bed with this boy david. He goes, "oh mara, I have a pineapple. want to share it." I did, so we did. It was a pretty memorable night.

4. If you could be a character in any book, which character would you be and why?
I would be raina in Blankets because aside from the evangelical christianity i kind of already am, on a good day.
This is her:

5. What are you most proud of?
being myself. even if i am a pig in so many ways.
I'm also proud of my ability to estimate how long things will take, as you know.
And i'm proud of my new mini comic which if i know you in real life you can totes have a copy of.

i like you a lot

Dear Stephanie-
The pressure to write you your very own post has gotten the best of me. You're so much more than a "hey someone actually reads this blog so I'll shout them out" post. But here goes:
Thanks for having lots of different words for pussy and using them with reckless abandon. Thanks for having a pussy tattoo. I think it's great that our summer laugh was completely shelved once fall came. that's commitment. If something is called a summer laugh i'm not using it in the other seasons. I like that we agree on this and we've never even talked about it. we don't have to talk about it because we're not idiots.
thanks for always having werthers and tea bags in your purse but not being an old lady and wrinkly and good-for-nothing.

this is my life

So, i had a black-and-blue on my ankle for a couple of days and i couldn't remember getting injured or bumping into anything. Then i took a shower and it came off. Cause it was dirt.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

just saying

you know what's dumb? In Clueless when they are learning about the Pismo Beach disaster and ms geist asks for donations and Cher fucking raises her hand in class right in the middle of Ms. Geist's call to action and says, "I want to help." Ok, i know this is like a turning point. she's becoming less selfish, focusing on the greater good, Josh is clearly having an effect on her. But really? You need to interrupt the class to say "i want to help?" Just sign the volunteer sheet or whatever like everyone else. asshole.

Monday, January 5, 2009

2008: a year in review COMIC!

Click to Enlarge!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

they;re way bigger than humans

Pat and Adrienne and I just watched a scary (scary movie. i like to just call them scaries) and all told what we thought were the scariest movies we've seen. I said Jurassic Park. might come as a shock to some because i'm not a pussy. but you know what? dinosaurs are giant and they eat people. and i'm a person. so fuck you.