a good idea

so, my farts don't stink. I know you don't believe me but somebody (pat) back me up. They are loud sometimes, and squeaky, but don't stink.
So, if you are also lucky enough to have odorless farts, a good idea for farting in public is to just try to put as much room between your cheeks as possible so it comes out really slowly and doesn't get trapped and make a "put-put-put" sound. I assume everyone reading this blog is in his or her twenties or thirties and is already well-versed in stealth farting. But i feel like i have a lot of wisdom to impart in this arena. Maybe it's because i'm so confident that getting it out quietly is all i have to do, because there really is never a stench to worry about. you know? So, like, I spend more time thinking about it because it's easier to tackle than it would be for someone who has to figure out how to do it in silence and hide a smell.
So, if you ever find yourself in bed with a new guy (or girl) and you guys don't fart in front of one another yet, a good idea is to pretend you're stretching and get in a position in which your butt cheeks are barely even touching and then the fart will come out silently. But if it's really quiet in the room they might still hear the "whoosh" which can maybe be even more embarrassing than the plain old "pffft." This has happened to me and it wasn't pretty.

next: farting in water. a good idea is to just not do it. unless you're in a hot tub with jets. in which case, fart away. unless you think there's any chance it's actually a shit not a fart. Then, go to a bathroom.

This is a bit of a tangent but related: so, as is now probably obvious, I'm really confident in my ability to fart in public undetected. however, i sometimes worry that there are certain people in this world that can actually SEE farts. not in water, just in air. Like those people that see ghosts, or auras or whatever. shit you're not supposed to see. so i get concerned that i think i got away with it but someone actually sees it come out of my pants. and in this fantasy the fart looks like the joker venom gas in Batman/Superman adventures that the joker sprays.

oh, i wonder why i'm single...