Special Treat

Here's all the babies that were saved in my "babies in costume" folder that never got their own posts:

My Favorite Baby Costume

Today's the day folks. It's been a long month and i for sure didn't post a baby every day. That sounds like I'm saying I didn't mail or ship a baby every day. But i did.
Anyway here's my number one favorite baby costume. Next month: countdown of turkeys.

Peeve, and thing i think doesn't exist

uch. i freakin hate it when girls are big sports fans. i feel like it's fake. come on, you have a vagina, you really care about who does this toss-up or makes it to the playoffs? really? because the only times i've ever watched a sports game is when i'm trying to like "be one of the guys." and it's a struggle, and i feel like girls that really follow sports are just faking. isn't that ridiculous? just because i don't like something i don't believe that any girls are capable of liking that thing and they must all be faking. you would think i'd never heard of darlene connor. And i know one small fish that is going to take issue with this becasue she's a real sports fan, and no, i don't think she's faking, but i just can't belive it. i just hate it so much.

Note: this does not apply to girls PLAYING sports. That I'm all for and have done. But watching "the game." nope.

Also, i wanted to put an image to this post. I was picturing a cheesy girl in a jersey and a big foam #1 hand but i typed in "female sports fan" and on the first page of results was this:



And if there's anything i can get behind, it's Gerard Way.

Babies in Costume

i want to write, "sometimes babies just aren't cute." but there's something weirdly cute about this alien, AND I'm scared one of her relatives is going to somehow find this (great) blog and see this and be devestated. So instead I'll write, "check out this adorable raggedy anne.

Lies i told recently

1- "He's a friend of a friend." He's a 19 year old I'm considering sleeping with.

2- "If I have time, definitely." If I have time, I'm going to look at halloween-themed cupcakes online.

3- "We don't have to talk about this." If we don't talk about this I'm going to cry in front of you.

4- "It took an hour and 40 minutes." It took about an hour and then i had a stomach ache and tried to poop for almost 40 minutes without success.

5- "I'm not going to worry about all that." I am, as we speak, worrying about all that.

6- "you're ok at french, not great." I don't even speak french, maybe you are great. how would i even know? Maybe, subconciously, i'm just trying to bring you down to my monolingual level.

Babies in Costume

So i'm pretty sure this is disturbing but it's dern cute too ain't it?

sneaky

Brandon, if commenting with a link to a super cute and super appropriate video is your way of saying, "hey, i'm one of your readers and i haven't been mentioned in a post yet, pay attention to me, don't you love me at all?" well, message received.

Brandon - sweet podcast. So sweet in fact that i hereby endorse it on this website. I don't know how to hyperlink words yet so just follow this url: http://www.wheelhouseshow.com/. You're more than just a podcast though. You are a very loyal fan of bjork. you also read lots of books and carry a tote bag, letting people know that you're not only intelligent, but down to earth and environmentally conscious. you are ok at french, not great, but definitely ok. we made up the game "not steve" and it remains a favorite. you're one of the people in my life that deep down i know is way smarter than i am, but you don't care, you hang out with me anyway. except when you lie and say you're going to come to a party and then don't come.
you know what? fuck you

Babies in costume

this one comes from flickr.

Further Readers

I think it's safe to say that this blog has really taken off. Readership has grown exponentially on a weekly basis. Commenting has reached an all-time high. Just yesterday someone stopped me on the subway and whispered, "love your work."
But that doesn't mean i'll forget where i came from. I want to take this opportunity to recognize some new readers:

Tobly: i don't think i'll ever be the same after seeing that two-dildoed pogo stick in your apartment that you "only used once." Also, thanks for being more inappropriate than i am; you make me look good. Sweet haircut. I also like that you have a jansport, it's very early 90s and functional. I can appreciate that. Also, you're from texas which brings me to...

Balls: who is also from texas. Balls, i can't believe you forgot about your nickname. I really like you a lot. You have so much facial hair and i'm constantly wondering what you look like under there. I bet you're really handsome. I bet i'd want to sleep with you if i could see you. Remember the day we met we shared some twizzlers? I'm really happy you love candy even more than i do. I'm glad i was with you the first time you went swimming in the ocean. i hope we never go so long without speaking that you feel overwhelmed when i call and don't pick up and then feel bad and call me every day until the election.

anyone else reading that hasn't gotten a shout out?

babies in costume

This is one that I love more for his stance than anything else. Who taught that kid to stand like that?

A Funny Conversation with the girl who sits next to me

Her: Hey, so i got this tea over the weekend at the food and wine festival.
Me: ...yeah.
Her: It was like, loose tea leaves.
Me: (silence)
Her: Yeah, and they were like HUGE tea leaves.
Me: yeah?
Her: I've never seen tea leaves so huge.
Me: (silence)
Her: It really makes for a good story.


HaHaHa. just when i forget she's funny she really nails it.

Things I would never say in real life but will type in an email:

"You said it!"

babies in costume

i'm so busy today i can't even bother capitalizing the first letters of the words in the title of this post.

babies in costume

somebody please impregnate me right now!

I have three MORE readers

holy shit. Here's why you're awesome:

Kels- You have the loudest voice i've ever heard. You should think about stage performance. I never have trouble hearing you. ever. You're a lot taller than i am and that's great because you're probably more evolved or something. You say great stuff and have even recieved your own post on this here blog. It was awesome.

Anonymous- I really love how mysterious you are. For realzies though, thanks for being Jewish. Thanks also for using words like bonehead. Thanks for drinking soda for breakfast. Thanks for walking 6 miles to burritoville (holding back tears). Thanks for helping me deal with the anxiety of being in a elevator while i have to shit. One time you gave me deodorant that i'm wearing right now. It was awesome.

Lazy- mostly i love that you abbreviate everything. It's really fun. i also love that you sometimes wear skiddz. I'm happy we are dressing up together for halloween; wipe that lipstick away. You also have really big bazoombas, but so do i. You're great at whitney houston dancing. One time you met david. It was awesome.

Babies in costume

Is this getting old? cause i still love it.

Really? Him?

Today's edition of "Really? Him?" does not feature an inappropriate celebrity crush. Instead it features an entire group of people I'm sometimes inappropriately attracted to: homeless men.
I have some theories. My generation is all about calculated disarray. It's very cool to be wearing an old ripped up shirt with armpit stains. Grungy paint-splattered jeans are all the rage. Tousled "bed-head" is very hip. And sometimes, at a distance, it's difficult to tell if a guy is sporting carefully crafted bed-head or cardboard box over subway vent-head.
I also tend to like a guy with a bit of a swagger. The swagger I'm looking for comes from a general relaxed attitude as a result of being artsy and above it all. Sometimes i confuse this with a swagger resulting from dead foot from not having two shoes.
Also, flannel, totally in.
So when it comes to homeless guys the answer to,"really? him?" is no, but sometimes i think about it.

Lies I told Yesterday

Yesterday i had a stink date. Here are some little white ones that got me through:

1- "Yeah I can do a back flip." yeah right

2- "I've never been to the midwest." except the four years i lived there

3- "I used to live right around here." Never.

4- "I majored in Chemistry." English

5- "Yeah, no, I've never seen Laguna Beach. I don't really watch tv." Except the hills, gossip girl, project runway, 90210, degrassi, dexter, privileged, america's next top model, laguna beach...

Babies in Costume

on a lighter note:

earnest

goes to jail. Just kidding, i mean this post is going to be somewhat earnest. I just read this in a book:

sad words are just another beauty. a sad story means, this storyteller is alive.

and it damn near killed me.

dream

Who wants to hear about other people's dreams? gross. Well too bad. I had a dream about my friend 8 and sent him the below email about it. You can read it too:

i had a dream that you and i lived together and we had mice because you secretly hated tomaotes, even though you told everyone you like every food. so when there were tomatoes on anything you would hide them under the rug or couch or in drawers and then obviously we got mice and you were found out. then it got weird. when you went and found all the tomatoes and threw them out they turned into glitter eye shadow and i wanted it so i took it out of the garbage and then, in my own hands, it turned into real glitter, like poster glitter.

i forgot about tagging

shit

Babies in Costume

No words.

I only have three readers

Which is fine, because i really like all three of you, a lot. For different reasons:

Al - you have the same last name as me and almost the same birthday. You are very good at telling stories and taught me how to tease my hair. Not in the 80s, in 2008, like a week ago. It was awesome.

Pat - We live together. We are great at sharing. Even smart ones and soda. You show me your butt a lot and it makes me laugh. You know which dances i like and you do them a lot. One time you and Adrienne made me an easter basket. It was awesome.

Jerome - You have great hair and you're not afraid of it. You also love tight pants, so does pat by the way. you guys have that in common. You also keep me updated of the goings on at my old job. even small things like vibrator cleaners. You are lactose intolerant too which makes me feel better about myself. You love judaism. One time we walked all the way to 8th ave for cupcakes. It was awesome.

if i have any other readers let me know and i'll tell you what is awesome about you

An everyday object that makes me uncomfortable

Yep, those white knit work gloves that are dipped in red paint. Gross. They look like evidence. Give me the willies. And they're always in the street. Take note. These babies are always laying in the middle of the street. Sometimes just one. Sometimes a pair, usually in china town. sick.

babies in costume

sorry i've been lax. my mouth hurts and i'm not funny or fun or anything, just hurting. I need care from this special little gal:

Turns out...

...even though it defies all logic and expectation, when you crack your knuckles under water there are no air bubbles. What a let down...

Babies in Costume

Sometimes i really just want to kidnap a kid. Play legos with him. Eat some spaghetti. Laugh at the sauce all over his face. and then bring him back to his parents. This kid makes me feel like that. He just looks really fun. and he's a tiny green lantern.

Funny things the girl in the cube next to me has said this week

Yeah I hate the word glorious too.

It is a really impressive trajectory.

Yeah, I guess it’s a lampshade.

You’re like goldilocks. (I was complaining about the temperature)

Babies in Costume

Ha. Ha.

Really? Him?

So, it turns out i really like coming up with new columns for my blog. This one will be called "Really? Him?" and will feature celebrities I'm attracted to, which more often than not elicit the above response. Sometimes I'm attracted to the actor, sometimes the role he is playing. Today's entry is a little of both but since he gets typecast a lot that should come as no surprise.
Here he is, a celebrity crush of mine of questionable appropriateness:

editor's note: the overall grammar and syntax of this post is embarrassing. It was rushed, and it shows. But the information contained was very topical and urgent and i felt like i should do all that i could to be the first blogger to point out how attractive crispin glover was in 2003's willard, even if it meant forgoing my usual editing process.

babies in costume

here's a real cute one:

Babies in costume

It's time to let you in on a favorite pasttime of mine - looking at pictures of babies in halloween costumes. It may seem creepy but i love it. I'm going to do a countdown of favorites, one a day (maybe, no promises) until Halloween, culminating with my #1 favorite. some are advertisements and some are from flickr which is way creepy but i don't care. I love babies. i love costumes. i love babies in costumes.
This one comes courtesy of my friend zatch who knows all my secrets, including this one and sent me this gem last week.

I do not have tourette's syndrome but...

...I worry that i will curse uncontrollably in crowded elevators or in a quiet business meeting, just because i'm thinking about how inappropriate it would be.
And speaking of self control, no small part of me wants to text "adorable" to 22897 for cute and cuddly critters on my phone, or "love" to 33423 for my daily psychic reading right on my phone, but i get really scared that i'm going to somehow accidentally do it, either just completely by accident or i'll be spacing out a little and come to just as i'm pressing send.

these aren't really things that are worth worrying about.

Lies I told Yesterday, and one from today

1- "I already ate." No i didn't, i have to buy tampons and comic books during lunch.

2- "I'm a fan." eh, I could take him or leave him.

3- "He's called at least six times." Maybe twice.

4- "No worries." worries

5- "Kenley's a cunt." Maybe she's just misunderstood.

I don't know if i'm going to continue this column. It's not that fun and it turns out I don't actually really lie that often.

two things about emoticons

1 - my outlook spell check recognizes the word "emoticon" but it does not recognize "blog." Really?

2- i just made up a genius emoticon:
1/:) it means half-kidding. Like, "I would choke a bitch for a meatball hero right now. 1/:)"

pobody's nerfect

Yesterday was Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year. On this day we look back at the past year and remember our sins and attempt to discard them, and next week on Yom Kippur, atone for them. Some of my sins were very sinful and some were more like mins (mini sins - just made that up). Ok, I want my readers to know about the good and the bad, so below please find a comprehensive list of the sins i committed in 5768 (yeah we been around a lot longer than you AD mother fuckers).

- Didn't make my loving and considerate roommate a cake for his birthday even though i made our friend craig a cake for his birthday and i don't even like craig that much.

- Made up a terrible slur involving donuts

- Pretended to be religious (and like the hold steady) to advance my career

- Pretended to be single to advance my career

- Turned out to become unexpectedly and suddenly single, used this to get sympathy that helped advance my career

- Accidentally erased Gossip Girl once last season after watching it but before my roommate watched it; blamed it on the tivo.

- Was surly to the moving men when they were late and got very uppity and said something like "frankly, it's just poor planning." or something equally surly and uppity.

- Peed in ocean without swimming away from friend

- Pretended to have some republican sensibilities to advance my career

- Pretended to be patriotic to get laid

- Pretended to be prude to get laid

- Left air conditioner running all day, wasting money and energy, so it would be cool when i got home.

- took a spin class but told a boy i liked i was taking a capoeira class so i would seem more interesting and less girly

- Made fun of someone for calling a prescription a "script."

- returned ian's car to him with an empty gas tank

- preemptively decided someone was stupid based on their handwriting

- preemptively decided someone was smart based on their haircut

- took a day off from work to make a doll of mii

- Pretended i was still in canada to avoid calling someone back

- faked reading most of the books i have to work on. Used words like "gripping" and "accessible" for their ambiguity.

- Assumed people were lesbians if they walked like lesbians

-Never called my grandma even once

- febreezed sheets instead of washing them

- hung up on someone because i really had to burp; called back and said the call was dropped

- avoided physical contact with the elderly

ok, i think that's about it. Other than these small transgressions i was a saint.