Signs of (my) times

I feel like you know you have a shitty job when you use a letter opener at work. Like a lot. And not for fan mail.

Funny things Pat said during scenes of fraternity hazing on Greek last night

(from memory because he threw out the pizza box that i took notes on)

"There is nothing i want to be a part of badly enough that i would like, eat something gross."

"Oh sit on this block of ice." (which didn't happen on the show. He just thinks that's hazing.)

"I don't need friends that make me puke and then lick the puke. excuse me."

"Touching dude's dicks? that's ok. I would do that. Dick skin is like face skin."

update on which American Idols I'd eff

No on Von Smith. Not even oral. sorry. Even though he managed to not break into hives tonight for the first time ever.

and forgive my not being able to tell, but i have a history if this: is he gay?

Season 8 American Idol contestants I would fuck and one i surprisingly wouldn't

would totes eff:
Kris Allen
kai kalama
matt giraud

Would not eff:
Adam Lambert

On the fence (maybe we just have oral with):
von smith

here's something funny.

I wrote myself an email with a list of goals several months ago. here's what was on it:
- Read more comics
- write more comics
- get job in comics
- be mysterious
- stop being the kind of person that writes herself "goals" emails
- be good sister
- skateboard to train; stop taking bus
- get better at embroidery and cross stitch
- pay bills on time
- read new yorker but not on train
- make comic-reading friends
- make everyone a birthday cake
- put super-kick music on ipod
- be happy and not crabby
- tivo forensic files and north mission road and body of evidence because you love those
- eat more spirulina
- make straight edge friends that aren't weird and straight-edgy
- call your aunt
- wash sheets more


How am i doing?

sorry

i suck at blogging but here's why. I did all my blogging at work because i had a really nice and great job, at which i could do my work at my own pace, take breaks, blog...
Now i have a bogus horrible job and I can't even sign on to blogger.
I know what you're thinking: "then blog from home. we need you. you're so funny and charming." but home is for eating and masturbation; there's no blogging from there either.
So bear with me, I'm trying to get a new job.

hi brandon

you may have read on my facebook status that i'm mad at you. well, I am, and now i'm using my blog to verify it.

it's an emergency!

A few things:
I work in book publishing; there are very few emergencies. It's a pretty slow-paced industry. So, whenever someone in my office is running I assume the emergency is in his or her colon and that he or she is running to the bathroom. this is probably not the case for the most part.

Josh, sorry this blog has gotten so scatological lately. i know you don't like that. but it's a part of life and maybe you should just accept it.

tough love

Must love mildly inappropriate googling

I just went to lunch with a new boy i'm really liking, and i've been thinking about the fact that he sorta knows me but i've basically been hiding the silly side of me. Because, well, it's very silly and a little scary. And he's like a grown up and i'm really not.
Anyway I decided to sort of introduce him a little bit to this part of my personality by letting him know about, what else, my obsession with babies in costumes. Here's how it went down:

Me: so i read on the internet that if you feel like you're getting a cold you should put hydrogen peroxide in your ears. so i did it last night and i think it worked!

Him: Do you believe everything you read on the internet? I'm going to start posting stuff for you to find and convince you that blow jobs are good for cardiac health.

Me: that's actually probably true... And if you want me to find stuff on the internet some phrases I often google include, "cute cupcakes," "fart facts," and "babies in costumes."

Him: You really look at babies in costumes a lot?

Me: yeah. a lot.

Him: I feel like it's undignified. Babies deserve a little dignity even if they are so small.

Me: yeah you know? I do get a weird feeling about the costumes that are basically just bunting. like, without any leg mobility for the baby. But, i think, as long as the baby can walk and move freely within the costume, yeah i'm a big supporter of babies in costumes. really big.

Him: Ok, well, i think i need to think about this. I'll call you.


So, I hope that didn't freak him out because it's really just the tip of a huge iceberg of weirdness. But, then again, if that's enough to freak him out he could never hang.

how old are you now?

woke up in my childhood bedroom clutching fluffy (childhood stuffed dog) - 5 years old

drove to work and parked in a well-priced lot on 11th ave - 32 years old

Started a phone conversation with a vendor, "to be frank, i'm underwhelmed" - 40 years old and kind of a jerk

realized i left wallet in car but refused to give up friday burrito day so paid in quarters found in my desk/jacket/bookbag - 16 years old

told work colleague i had to use the restroom during a conversation, paused, said, "actually it's not ready." - 7 years old

got a snack with anonymous, a candy grab bag - 10 years old

decided i'm too old to eat pixy stix - 25 years old

changed my mind, and ate the pixy stix - 12 years old

ate another pixy stix - 12 years old

felt gross after and won't do it again - 25 years old

blogged about it - 25 and losery

today i am: 19 years old. "barely legal" oooh yeeeaahh, sexy!

god has smiled upon me this day

1- there hasn't been hot chocolate in the cafeteria in damn near a week. it's been so long that i forgot to even check today. but Anonymous asked me to come with her to get a snack and aaaahhhhh - hot muthafuckin chocolate! that ahhh should read like the sound in a cartoon when the clouds part and an angel or other celestial being descends.

2- as you all know, i had i big ass pimple on my chin this week. tonight i have plans with a certain somebody and moments ago i rubbed my hand against my chin and the gross pimple scab fell off, revealing new, pink, unblemished skin beneath. and just in time for my dinner date!

thanks god. i owe you one (two)

Dear Snapple Fact Finders

Get to work.
You've been telling me that "Frogs never drink" and "crocodiles can't move their tongues" for like 10 years.
make with the research. we live in the information age and this bullshit isn't going to cut it any longer.

love,
mara

Inauguration day*

Taken directly from an email i just sent Jerome:

on this historic day, I have a pimple so bad on my chin that my boss asked me, “what happened?” and I said, “just a little late-breaking puberty” he said, “oh, sorry, I thought you fell or something”



* I was positive i spelled that wrong but it was right!

How Old Are You Now?

This is fun.
Today I:

scheduled a conference call with a literary agent in Ireland: Age 35
Sipped some Tension Tamer tea: Age 70
Paid my bills online: Age 30
Looked up the lyrics to a bright eyes song: age 15
called my mom twice: Age 8
got a tension headache: age 45
Started a phone conversation, "yo yo yo yo yo": age 17

Today I Am: 31 years old

More superstition

This blog has allowed me to realize just how superstitious and ridiculous i am.
A very long time ago i decided that if i ever turned off the light while i was looking at my face in a mirror i would die. Even though I've done it several times by accident and not died. I guess it just feels like you're dead. One minute you're looking at your own reflection, reflecting on the fact that we can even do this - look at our own reflections. And then - darkness, nothing at all, at least for a few seconds. That's pretty death-feeling right? So i guess that's why i don't like to turn off the light when i'm looking in the mirror and some part of me thinks it will kill me.

really well-adjusted,
mara