Lies I told Yesterday, and one from today

1- "I already ate." No i didn't, i have to buy tampons and comic books during lunch.

2- "I'm a fan." eh, I could take him or leave him.

3- "He's called at least six times." Maybe twice.

4- "No worries." worries

5- "Kenley's a cunt." Maybe she's just misunderstood.

I don't know if i'm going to continue this column. It's not that fun and it turns out I don't actually really lie that often.

pobody's nerfect

Yesterday was Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year. On this day we look back at the past year and remember our sins and attempt to discard them, and next week on Yom Kippur, atone for them. Some of my sins were very sinful and some were more like mins (mini sins - just made that up). Ok, I want my readers to know about the good and the bad, so below please find a comprehensive list of the sins i committed in 5768 (yeah we been around a lot longer than you AD mother fuckers).

- Didn't make my loving and considerate roommate a cake for his birthday even though i made our friend craig a cake for his birthday and i don't even like craig that much.

- Made up a terrible slur involving donuts

- Pretended to be religious (and like the hold steady) to advance my career

- Pretended to be single to advance my career

- Turned out to become unexpectedly and suddenly single, used this to get sympathy that helped advance my career

- Accidentally erased Gossip Girl once last season after watching it but before my roommate watched it; blamed it on the tivo.

- Was surly to the moving men when they were late and got very uppity and said something like "frankly, it's just poor planning." or something equally surly and uppity.

- Peed in ocean without swimming away from friend

- Pretended to have some republican sensibilities to advance my career

- Pretended to be patriotic to get laid

- Pretended to be prude to get laid

- Left air conditioner running all day, wasting money and energy, so it would be cool when i got home.

- took a spin class but told a boy i liked i was taking a capoeira class so i would seem more interesting and less girly

- Made fun of someone for calling a prescription a "script."

- returned ian's car to him with an empty gas tank

- preemptively decided someone was stupid based on their handwriting

- preemptively decided someone was smart based on their haircut

- took a day off from work to make a doll of mii

- Pretended i was still in canada to avoid calling someone back

- faked reading most of the books i have to work on. Used words like "gripping" and "accessible" for their ambiguity.

- Assumed people were lesbians if they walked like lesbians

-Never called my grandma even once

- febreezed sheets instead of washing them

- hung up on someone because i really had to burp; called back and said the call was dropped

- avoided physical contact with the elderly

ok, i think that's about it. Other than these small transgressions i was a saint.

New column

I'm introducing a new "column" today to my blog. It's going to be called: "things i lied about today." Because as it turns out, i tell a couple fibs each day and they're usually funny. Also, i'm not going to tell you the context so that'll add a nice twist to it, don't you think?
Ok, and now for the inaugural edition of "Lies I told today" (I realize that a couple sentences ago i referred to it as "things i lied about today." I'm a girl; we're fickle as fuck.

1 - "Yeah, I think my brother is friends with him." No i don't.

2- "I'm right on top of that rose." No I'm not, and your name isn't even rose.

3- "I think we're safe. It's been 5 days." We're fucked.

That's it for now. let me know if this is a column we think should continue.