guest post

I guest blogged over at my cousin's blog today. I feel kind of dirty about the whole thing.

New comic for my friend's band, Thought So.

Click image after the jump to enlarge.

Overheard at work

Today has been really interesting here. A non-native English speaker asked a coworker, "sorry, what is a crib?"
The coworker answered, "A crib is where a baby sleeps, or in the black vernacular it’s your home."

"the black vernacular?" is that appropriate?

So we can say 'black vernacular' but anal is off limits? I'm so confused.

Maybe Josh can weigh in...

I just asked my coworker, a 26 year old straight woman from Ohio how she is doing. She said, “eh.” I asked what was wrong. She said, “I have to read all these books for work and it seems like they all have anal sex in them.”

Me: “awesome. What’s the problem?”
Her: “Well I don’t like to read disgusting stuff like that.”
Me: “Why was it disgusting? Are you homophobic? Was it graphic?”
Her: “No, and it was heterosexual anal sex.”
Me: “ok, well was it consensual?”
Her: “yeah. I just think it’s disturbing to read about.”
Me: “why because you just wish you were having it?”
Her: “No.”
Me: “Ok”

I don’t know man. You’re 26, you live in NY, you work in an industry that might force you to read stuff outside your comfort zone. How is heterosexual, consensual, anal sex disturbing and disgusting?

can't find it

I can't find the article. I thought it would be somewhere in my gmail but it's definitely not. I hate that these things are heartbreaking given the situation. I feel guilty for losing it because it's part of a finite set of memories now.

gmail searches and missing my dad

I've been thinking about my dad a lot. Probably because Father's day is approaching.

Something i like to do from time to time is search for a word in my gmail and find funny, old, forgotten emails. I searched "my dad." Here are some results:

"If my dad were to blurb a book it'd have to be a book about having bbq sauce on your chin and/or shirt"

"I was just watching a boxing match with my dad and one of the fighters' shorts were falling down and down and down so slowly. I never saw my dad so rapt."

"Well, I ended up writing a ridiculous account of a dialogue I had with my Dad about stoops. I turned it in sort of as a joke but my editor printed it and titled it "Mr. Lander's Neighborhood." (I gotta find that article!)

"at some point today my dad said, to no one in particular, "was there ever a menstruation Barbie?"

"I just showed my dad myspace because he heard about it on NPR and wanted to have a look for himself. A real bonding moment in the Lander family."

"So today at work I somehow got into a conversation about how my dad changed his name (true) and so I told my coworker that I also changed my name when I was 17 (false). I played it cool for a while making him wonder about my possible birth name. Then, after much cajoling, I told him my parents named me Vampire."

And, for fun, here's a great picture of him:

Funny memories of my dad

My dad was funny.
One time I left my AOL instant messenger open on his computer. I got home a couple hours later and he said, "these pop up ads are really out of control. They even somehow find your name and plant it in the ads. A ton of them said 'mara' today."

Old folks.

Another time i was talking to him about what dress I should wear to this wedding i was going to. He goes, "you should really consult with Lindsay." I was like, "huh?" He said, "Lindsay Lohan. She wears dresses all the time." He loved Lindsay Lohan and thought she was way underrated.

Now I'm sad.

assholes

People that want to sound smart say ‘sort of’ all the time. It’s so gross. Just commit to your ideas if you’re so effing smart and stop buffering them with ‘sort of.’ My boss is showing off in his office right now having a high brow conversation with some nerd and he keeps saying, “it’s a sort of double edged sword in that you’ll sort of never have the answer for the sort of paradox.” I just made that up but he’s using ‘sort of’ in the way that valley girls use 'like.' And so is the other nerd in there. It’s really sort of annoying.

New Comic

I made this for my friend Dylan as part of a craft exchange. Started by Megan. Hi Megan! The big joke is in the last panel (that's how comics work. duh!) but it's very small in the scan, so get out your magnifying glasses!

The first 2 panels are true. the rest is make-believe!

Click to enlarge (double duh!)Thanks to my production dept Mike who scanned and fixed this:

Strange food habits and where i picked them up

Remember when Donna Martin admits to liking popcorn on her ice cream? Consider this blog entry my that.

- Sugar, instead of syrup, on pancakes and waffles. This (delicious) idea came about in the summer of 1993 in sleepaway camp. The Scouts (my bunk that year) were notorious for having food fights. Whenever we started a food fight we would lose privileges to certain foods. Syrup, in all it's stickiness, was one of the first to go. So, we replaced it with straight sugar and I've never looked back.

- Eating spaghetti sauce, cold, right of of the jar with a spoon. This is something i started doing in college when i had gazpacho for the first time, because it's basically the same thing right?

- Another college treat is something my good buddy Sarah calls doody. We didn't have ovens or anything so we would buy brownie mix and just mix water in until it was a doody consistency. I don't still do this, but it was effing good.

- Another delicious snack I have given up involves rolling 3 marshmallows in a fruit roll up and then twisting the ends. This creation never received a name, unfortunately. I learned this one from kids i was babysitting in probably like 1997 or so.

- Have you ever had a cream cheese bagel with doritos smashed in it? Well, you should, because it's delicious. I used to eat these when i worked at Baja. Every high school kid in long beach eats them. You don't even have to buy the bag of doritos you just order them on the actual bagel.

- Tomatoes with ketchup. redundant? yes! pretty tasty? indeed! This was another camp thing. I don't remember how it started. Probably some diet my whole bunk was on one year or something.

I can't think of any more...
byezies!

This is it.

Last week Brandon and I ran into a homeless guy i've made out with.
This is my life.

psychoanalyze away

At this suckfest of a job I am often on the phone, on hold. During this time I write things down absent-mindedly. Here are some highlights from the notepad next to my phone:

“Special themes in literature:
- frogs talking
- really anything that doesn’t talk, talking
- even babies. But really young ones.”


“Here I come Pig” and then a drawing of mickey mouse.

“sunny-side down eggs. Sad.”

“Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily.”

“This is effed.”

“is this region mountainous?”

more things that happened today

this is basically twittering right? should i twitter?

1- got an email entitled "cake." and then it was about how someone at work wanted cake, not that there was cake to be had. thanks a lot for that fake out (cake out).

2- i told my boss he was like uncle scrooge from duck tales except instead of the smell of money waking him up it's the sound of envelopes being opened with a letter opener. he kind of laughed.

Some things that have happened today already:

1- dropped id card and 6 dollars in toilet at work. retreived it.

2- got a bluberry muffin in which the ratio of blueberries to muffin was incredibly unsatisfactory. i'm sorry, i thought i ordered a blueberry muffin not fucking baked blueberries with an occassional bite of pastry.