Tea-Veaux

Being sneaky to avoid being dead

2010-02-11T17:04:00.003-05:00

I live with my boyfriend on the mean streets of Manhattan's lower east side. I'm just sayin: I grew up here and am not an alarmist, the couple streets around ours can get pretty hairy. So, he's away for the week and I get scared that a killer is going to target me. So here's what I do to make sure no one knows I'm home alone. (KEVIN!)

When i open the door I say, "Hey babe, you're home already? How was work?*

*Yesterday I said, "Oh smells good! What are you cooking?"

I don't have the shades open. But the day he left they were open from that morning so in case a killer was watching me close them I laughed while i was doing it and kind of looked behind me at one point, suggesting there was a (funny) man lurking in the shadowy corners.

His friend from upstairs called and asked for him. (We have a landline. How weird is that?) and instead of saying "he's in L.A. for the week" I said, "I'm not sure where he is but I'll tell him you called."

I ordered enough food for two meals so it didn't seem like I was ordering for one. One was a meat dish because men eat meat.

I just lied about that. But I ran out of things and realized this is boring and well-trodden territory. You're neurotic! we know! well fuck you guys.

And now I'm convinced some killer is reading this and is gonna brutalize me. Just don't ok?

My second favorite movie

2009-09-16T22:20:00.001-04:00

So, I can't believe how much i love Con Air. I bawl every time i see that ending.

Lists I've been working on

2009-07-22T14:02:00.004-04:00

So I've been working on two lists. One is a lists of slogans for things that don't need slogans. The other is a list of celebrities that i think probably get a lot of Diarrhea.

Here's the slogans:
Soap: would you lather be dirty?
Fax machines: It’s 2009, I think we can stop, right?
Belts: pants falling down? Tie one round!
Sneezing: 1/8 of an orgasm and 1/8 as messy.
Ear canal: no, not panama canal, I said ear canal, you should clean yours out!
Driving: because sometimes it’s too far to walk, and public transportation is proving inconvenient, and you don’t have a beach cruiser yet.
Sex: just do it. Well, don’t just do it. I mean, you should have some feelings involved.
Breathing: don’t forget.
Chew: or else you’ll fucking choke.
Hair: as long as it’s in the right places, a really great thing.
Skin: totally normal on your body, totally gross as flakes falling off your body.
Water: You need it. Really. You do. Or you’ll die.
Blood: It Runs Right Through You. but not the bad way like when something gives you diarrhea
Parsley: we don’t dip it in the ‘tears of our ancestors’ for nothing
Science: even science can’t explain it.
Vegetables: still fighting the association with brain-dead people
Brains: we’re in charge!
Movement: it’s a movement!
Legumes: Not that easy to say or spell, but great for eating.
The common cold: pass it on

thawing

2009-07-16T16:46:00.001-04:00

My boss just called a purse a "pocketbook" and it sort of melted the cold, cold heart I have for him and made me hate him a little less. Because, it's 2009, who says "pocketbook?"

things that people are always saying are delicious but don't really taste like anything

2009-07-13T13:52:00.002-04:00

Beets
Muenster Cheese

An Open Letter

2009-07-10T09:50:00.001-04:00

Dear Straight Edge NYC Meet-Up Group-
I think it would be ok to plan something that does not involve a punk show.
Thanks
Mara

i decided i should eff Langhorne Slim

2009-07-08T15:06:00.003-04:00

I like his tunes and I like his face.

guest post

2009-06-25T15:30:00.002-04:00

I guest blogged over at my cousin's blog today. I feel kind of dirty about the whole thing.

New comic for my friend's band, Thought So.

2009-06-24T11:11:00.002-04:00

Click image after the jump to enlarge.

2009-06-23T16:38:00.006-04:00

Overheard at work

2009-06-23T14:37:00.003-04:00

Today has been really interesting here. A non-native English speaker asked a coworker, "sorry, what is a crib?"
The coworker answered, "A crib is where a baby sleeps, or in the black vernacular it’s your home."

"the black vernacular?" is that appropriate?

So we can say 'black vernacular' but anal is off limits? I'm so confused.

Maybe Josh can weigh in...

2009-06-23T12:09:00.000-04:00

I just asked my coworker, a 26 year old straight woman from Ohio how she is doing. She said, “eh.” I asked what was wrong. She said, “I have to read all these books for work and it seems like they all have anal sex in them.”

Me: “awesome. What’s the problem?”
Her: “Well I don’t like to read disgusting stuff like that.”
Me: “Why was it disgusting? Are you homophobic? Was it graphic?”
Her: “No, and it was heterosexual anal sex.”
Me: “ok, well was it consensual?”
Her: “yeah. I just think it’s disturbing to read about.”
Me: “why because you just wish you were having it?”
Her: “No.”
Me: “Ok”

I don’t know man. You’re 26, you live in NY, you work in an industry that might force you to read stuff outside your comfort zone. How is heterosexual, consensual, anal sex disturbing and disgusting?

can't find it

2009-06-19T11:25:00.002-04:00

I can't find the article. I thought it would be somewhere in my gmail but it's definitely not. I hate that these things are heartbreaking given the situation. I feel guilty for losing it because it's part of a finite set of memories now.

gmail searches and missing my dad

2009-06-19T11:07:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking about my dad a lot. Probably because Father's day is approaching.

Something i like to do from time to time is search for a word in my gmail and find funny, old, forgotten emails. I searched "my dad." Here are some results:

"If my dad were to blurb a book it'd have to be a book about having bbq sauce on your chin and/or shirt"

"I was just watching a boxing match with my dad and one of the fighters' shorts were falling down and down and down so slowly. I never saw my dad so rapt."

"Well, I ended up writing a ridiculous account of a dialogue I had with my Dad about stoops. I turned it in sort of as a joke but my editor printed it and titled it "Mr. Lander's Neighborhood." (I gotta find that article!)

"at some point today my dad said, to no one in particular, "was there ever a menstruation Barbie?"

"I just showed my dad myspace because he heard about it on NPR and wanted to have a look for himself. A real bonding moment in the Lander family."

"So today at work I somehow got into a conversation about how my dad changed his name (true) and so I told my coworker that I also changed my name when I was 17 (false). I played it cool for a while making him wonder about my possible birth name. Then, after much cajoling, I told him my parents named me Vampire."

And, for fun, here's a great picture of him:

Funny memories of my dad

2009-06-11T17:05:00.002-04:00

My dad was funny.
One time I left my AOL instant messenger open on his computer. I got home a couple hours later and he said, "these pop up ads are really out of control. They even somehow find your name and plant it in the ads. A ton of them said 'mara' today."

Old folks.

Another time i was talking to him about what dress I should wear to this wedding i was going to. He goes, "you should really consult with Lindsay." I was like, "huh?" He said, "Lindsay Lohan. She wears dresses all the time." He loved Lindsay Lohan and thought she was way underrated.

Now I'm sad.

assholes

2009-06-04T11:58:00.001-04:00

People that want to sound smart say ‘sort of’ all the time. It’s so gross. Just commit to your ideas if you’re so effing smart and stop buffering them with ‘sort of.’ My boss is showing off in his office right now having a high brow conversation with some nerd and he keeps saying, “it’s a sort of double edged sword in that you’ll sort of never have the answer for the sort of paradox.” I just made that up but he’s using ‘sort of’ in the way that valley girls use 'like.' And so is the other nerd in there. It’s really sort of annoying.

New Comic

2009-06-03T16:53:00.004-04:00

I made this for my friend Dylan as part of a craft exchange. Started by Megan. Hi Megan! The big joke is in the last panel (that's how comics work. duh!) but it's very small in the scan, so get out your magnifying glasses!

The first 2 panels are true. the rest is make-believe!

Click to enlarge (double duh!)Thanks to my production dept Mike who scanned and fixed this:

Strange food habits and where i picked them up

2009-05-28T16:16:00.002-04:00

Remember when Donna Martin admits to liking popcorn on her ice cream? Consider this blog entry my that.

- Sugar, instead of syrup, on pancakes and waffles. This (delicious) idea came about in the summer of 1993 in sleepaway camp. The Scouts (my bunk that year) were notorious for having food fights. Whenever we started a food fight we would lose privileges to certain foods. Syrup, in all it's stickiness, was one of the first to go. So, we replaced it with straight sugar and I've never looked back.

- Eating spaghetti sauce, cold, right of of the jar with a spoon. This is something i started doing in college when i had gazpacho for the first time, because it's basically the same thing right?

- Another college treat is something my good buddy Sarah calls doody. We didn't have ovens or anything so we would buy brownie mix and just mix water in until it was a doody consistency. I don't still do this, but it was effing good.

- Another delicious snack I have given up involves rolling 3 marshmallows in a fruit roll up and then twisting the ends. This creation never received a name, unfortunately. I learned this one from kids i was babysitting in probably like 1997 or so.

- Have you ever had a cream cheese bagel with doritos smashed in it? Well, you should, because it's delicious. I used to eat these when i worked at Baja. Every high school kid in long beach eats them. You don't even have to buy the bag of doritos you just order them on the actual bagel.

- Tomatoes with ketchup. redundant? yes! pretty tasty? indeed! This was another camp thing. I don't remember how it started. Probably some diet my whole bunk was on one year or something.

I can't think of any more...
byezies!

This is it.

2009-05-19T16:36:00.002-04:00

Last week Brandon and I ran into a homeless guy i've made out with.
This is my life.

psychoanalyze away

2009-05-19T14:18:00.000-04:00

At this suckfest of a job I am often on the phone, on hold. During this time I write things down absent-mindedly. Here are some highlights from the notepad next to my phone:

“Special themes in literature:
- frogs talking
- really anything that doesn’t talk, talking
- even babies. But really young ones.”

“Here I come Pig” and then a drawing of mickey mouse.

“sunny-side down eggs. Sad.”

“Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily. Momentarily.”

“This is effed.”

“is this region mountainous?”

more things that happened today

2009-05-13T15:26:00.001-04:00

this is basically twittering right? should i twitter?

1- got an email entitled "cake." and then it was about how someone at work wanted cake, not that there was cake to be had. thanks a lot for that fake out (cake out).

2- i told my boss he was like uncle scrooge from duck tales except instead of the smell of money waking him up it's the sound of envelopes being opened with a letter opener. he kind of laughed.

Some things that have happened today already:

2009-05-13T11:37:00.002-04:00

1- dropped id card and 6 dollars in toilet at work. retreived it.

2- got a bluberry muffin in which the ratio of blueberries to muffin was incredibly unsatisfactory. i'm sorry, i thought i ordered a blueberry muffin not fucking baked blueberries with an occassional bite of pastry.

mergh update mergh

2009-05-12T16:36:00.003-04:00

Very quick:
still at shity job. working on getting outta here.but wn't blog about all that because i've learned from the mistakes of my friends.
got awesome new aladdin-style pants that i will wear all summer.
told pat i'm moving out in the fall. it was sad. I love him very much.
working on lots o comics. more to come. also thinking of making a comics and cakes only website. because some people might just want to read comics and see some super kick cakes, but not read about farts and sex.

2009-04-24T17:03:00.002-04:00

Steve (and later Jerome) tipped me off to the thing you can download to make your twitter feed look like an excel grid. What a great and nerdy idea! I love great nerds! So of course I wanted to find out who invented this and if he was sexy and if I wanted to sleep with him. What are the chances that this nerd is a hot nerd? Here he is, Elliott Kember, a very cute nerd from England. Elliott, I totally have it bad for you now. Thanks for being the best kind of nerd. A nerd I would fuck for shallow reasons.

Two in one day!

2009-04-23T16:33:00.001-04:00

Wow. Somebody grew some balls. Well like one ball. I am too scared to actually open the blogger window and type a blog entry into it. But I wrote this in a word doc and will quickly paste it into blogger while no one is looking. Muhahaha!

So, yesterday I went to the vending machine, which is kind of a fat kid move, but that’s not the point of this story. I bought a bag of pretzels and it got stuck. Stuck! In a vending machine! And all I could think was “aren’t we past this kind of thing? As a society? I mean, technologically?” It all just felt very early 90s to me. I feel like this kind of shit shouldn’t happen anymore, right? So, obviously, I just bought two bags of pretzels. And ate them both. Because I’m kind of a fat kid…

A very smart idea, from me, blanket

2009-04-23T16:23:00.001-04:00

I have a really good invention and need some kind of scientist or nerd to help with the actual fabrication/programming. I want to make a “filter” that you can engage on your work computer so that when you visit websites like gmail, facebook, blogs, perezhilton etc. the content feeds through this filter and appears on your screen and looks like Outlook. So all the pictures and colors and stuff are taken out but you can read your gmail or your favorite blog and look like you’re doing work. Genuis! I know what you’re thinking. Why would you put this great idea on the internet for anyone to steal? The truth is I just want this product to be invented so I can use it at my shitty job. And then I won’t have to do any of the work in terms of startup, but later I can be like “look! This was my idea! Where’s my cut?!” and the proof that it was my idea is this very blog entry. You’re witnessing history right now.

A new comic! woot!

2009-04-10T15:56:00.001-04:00

Click the sucka to enlarge!

Signs of (my) times

2009-03-31T15:32:00.001-04:00

I feel like you know you have a shitty job when you use a letter opener at work. Like a lot. And not for fan mail.

Funny things Pat said during scenes of fraternity hazing on Greek last night

2009-03-31T15:22:00.002-04:00

(from memory because he threw out the pizza box that i took notes on)

"There is nothing i want to be a part of badly enough that i would like, eat something gross."

"Oh sit on this block of ice." (which didn't happen on the show. He just thinks that's hazing.)

"I don't need friends that make me puke and then lick the puke. excuse me."

"Touching dude's dicks? that's ok. I would do that. Dick skin is like face skin."

update on which American Idols I'd eff

2009-03-03T21:07:00.002-05:00

No on Von Smith. Not even oral. sorry. Even though he managed to not break into hives tonight for the first time ever.

and forgive my not being able to tell, but i have a history if this: is he gay?

Season 8 American Idol contestants I would fuck and one i surprisingly wouldn't

2009-02-26T22:26:00.002-05:00

would totes eff:
Kris Allen
kai kalama
matt giraud

Would not eff:
Adam Lambert

On the fence (maybe we just have oral with):
von smith

here's something funny.

2009-02-25T17:30:00.002-05:00

I wrote myself an email with a list of goals several months ago. here's what was on it:
- Read more comics
- write more comics
- get job in comics
- be mysterious
- stop being the kind of person that writes herself "goals" emails
- be good sister
- skateboard to train; stop taking bus
- get better at embroidery and cross stitch
- pay bills on time
- read new yorker but not on train
- make comic-reading friends
- make everyone a birthday cake
- put super-kick music on ipod
- be happy and not crabby
- tivo forensic files and north mission road and body of evidence because you love those
- eat more spirulina
- make straight edge friends that aren't weird and straight-edgy
- call your aunt
- wash sheets more

How am i doing?

sorry

2009-02-17T17:03:00.002-05:00

i suck at blogging but here's why. I did all my blogging at work because i had a really nice and great job, at which i could do my work at my own pace, take breaks, blog...
Now i have a bogus horrible job and I can't even sign on to blogger.
I know what you're thinking: "then blog from home. we need you. you're so funny and charming." but home is for eating and masturbation; there's no blogging from there either.
So bear with me, I'm trying to get a new job.

hi brandon

2009-02-03T00:37:00.002-05:00

you may have read on my facebook status that i'm mad at you. well, I am, and now i'm using my blog to verify it.

it's an emergency!

2009-01-29T14:58:00.003-05:00

A few things:
I work in book publishing; there are very few emergencies. It's a pretty slow-paced industry. So, whenever someone in my office is running I assume the emergency is in his or her colon and that he or she is running to the bathroom. this is probably not the case for the most part.

Josh, sorry this blog has gotten so scatological lately. i know you don't like that. but it's a part of life and maybe you should just accept it.

tough love

Must love mildly inappropriate googling

2009-01-27T13:54:00.003-05:00

I just went to lunch with a new boy i'm really liking, and i've been thinking about the fact that he sorta knows me but i've basically been hiding the silly side of me. Because, well, it's very silly and a little scary. And he's like a grown up and i'm really not.
Anyway I decided to sort of introduce him a little bit to this part of my personality by letting him know about, what else, my obsession with babies in costumes. Here's how it went down:

Me: so i read on the internet that if you feel like you're getting a cold you should put hydrogen peroxide in your ears. so i did it last night and i think it worked!

Him: Do you believe everything you read on the internet? I'm going to start posting stuff for you to find and convince you that blow jobs are good for cardiac health.

Me: that's actually probably true... And if you want me to find stuff on the internet some phrases I often google include, "cute cupcakes," "fart facts," and "babies in costumes."

Him: You really look at babies in costumes a lot?

Me: yeah. a lot.

Him: I feel like it's undignified. Babies deserve a little dignity even if they are so small.

Me: yeah you know? I do get a weird feeling about the costumes that are basically just bunting. like, without any leg mobility for the baby. But, i think, as long as the baby can walk and move freely within the costume, yeah i'm a big supporter of babies in costumes. really big.

Him: Ok, well, i think i need to think about this. I'll call you.

So, I hope that didn't freak him out because it's really just the tip of a huge iceberg of weirdness. But, then again, if that's enough to freak him out he could never hang.

how old are you now?

2009-01-23T15:52:00.003-05:00

woke up in my childhood bedroom clutching fluffy (childhood stuffed dog) - 5 years old

drove to work and parked in a well-priced lot on 11th ave - 32 years old

Started a phone conversation with a vendor, "to be frank, i'm underwhelmed" - 40 years old and kind of a jerk

realized i left wallet in car but refused to give up friday burrito day so paid in quarters found in my desk/jacket/bookbag - 16 years old

told work colleague i had to use the restroom during a conversation, paused, said, "actually it's not ready." - 7 years old

got a snack with anonymous, a candy grab bag - 10 years old

decided i'm too old to eat pixy stix - 25 years old

changed my mind, and ate the pixy stix - 12 years old

ate another pixy stix - 12 years old

felt gross after and won't do it again - 25 years old

blogged about it - 25 and losery

today i am: 19 years old. "barely legal" oooh yeeeaahh, sexy!

god has smiled upon me this day

2009-01-22T16:45:00.002-05:00

1- there hasn't been hot chocolate in the cafeteria in damn near a week. it's been so long that i forgot to even check today. but Anonymous asked me to come with her to get a snack and aaaahhhhh - hot muthafuckin chocolate! that ahhh should read like the sound in a cartoon when the clouds part and an angel or other celestial being descends.

2- as you all know, i had i big ass pimple on my chin this week. tonight i have plans with a certain somebody and moments ago i rubbed my hand against my chin and the gross pimple scab fell off, revealing new, pink, unblemished skin beneath. and just in time for my dinner date!

thanks god. i owe you one (two)

Dear Snapple Fact Finders

2009-01-22T10:52:00.002-05:00

Get to work.
You've been telling me that "Frogs never drink" and "crocodiles can't move their tongues" for like 10 years.
make with the research. we live in the information age and this bullshit isn't going to cut it any longer.

love,
mara

Inauguration day*

2009-01-20T10:00:00.002-05:00

Taken directly from an email i just sent Jerome:

on this historic day, I have a pimple so bad on my chin that my boss asked me, “what happened?” and I said, “just a little late-breaking puberty” he said, “oh, sorry, I thought you fell or something”

* I was positive i spelled that wrong but it was right!

How Old Are You Now?

2009-01-16T16:23:00.003-05:00

This is fun.
Today I:

scheduled a conference call with a literary agent in Ireland: Age 35
Sipped some Tension Tamer tea: Age 70
Paid my bills online: Age 30
Looked up the lyrics to a bright eyes song: age 15
called my mom twice: Age 8
got a tension headache: age 45
Started a phone conversation, "yo yo yo yo yo": age 17

Today I Am: 31 years old

More superstition

2009-01-16T10:31:00.002-05:00

This blog has allowed me to realize just how superstitious and ridiculous i am.
A very long time ago i decided that if i ever turned off the light while i was looking at my face in a mirror i would die. Even though I've done it several times by accident and not died. I guess it just feels like you're dead. One minute you're looking at your own reflection, reflecting on the fact that we can even do this - look at our own reflections. And then - darkness, nothing at all, at least for a few seconds. That's pretty death-feeling right? So i guess that's why i don't like to turn off the light when i'm looking in the mirror and some part of me thinks it will kill me.

really well-adjusted,
mara

How old are you now?

2009-01-15T15:53:00.002-05:00

I got peanut m&ms for a nice little afternoon snack. Getting peanut m&ms makes me feel like a grown up. Even though real grown ups probably snack on like trail mix, the kind without chocolate. But it's more grown up than regular m&ms right? when i was a kid you couldn't pay me to pick peanut over regular. But now, i've matured and i've realized that it's probably a tiny bit more healthy and arguably more delicious. However, it bothers me that they come in the same size bag because that probably means i'm getting less pieces. but same like net volume. but still... it's kind of upsetting.

then on my way back to my desk i swung by the free book shelves where i saw a book and said, out loud to nobody, "whoa, awesome!" That book was entitled: SPACE ART: How to Draw and Paint Planets, Moons, and Landscapes of Alien Worlds.

So all together I'm at about age 14 today.

how dare you ask me that?

2009-01-12T14:44:00.002-05:00

So, my cousin 1 Little Fish had an interview posted on her blog that another blogger sent her, you know like an interview chain. so now it's my turn, here are the rules:
1. If you want to participate, leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” (And your e-mail address, please.)
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

And here are her questions (and my answers)

1. What three songs have influenced your life in some way and why?
Put It In My Mouth by akinyele (i didn't even have to look that up. I knew who sings that song and how to spell it. whoa) this song influenced me in that it led me to believe that during a blowjob you do in fact, blow. Luckily, i never tried to give a "blow"job in real life because i've never seen a penis and am very prude.

Gonna Make You Love Me by Ryan Adams I've told many of you this story before because i love it and it sums up my dad. He never ever got the lyrics to songs right but would belt out the wrong lyrics with such commitment. This song begins, "Riot in the streets. Touched beneath the sheets." But my dad would sing, "Quiet in the streets. Tucked between the sheets." Completely changing the meaning and tone of the song. that's funny.

Adrian by Mason Jennings The first time I heard this song was during a live show that i went to by myself because i'm really cool and had a lot of friends in college. I don't know if i was menstruating or what but i stood in this venue in detriot all by myself and bawled. it's a really great song and will make you cry if you have a heart.

2. If you could spend one night alone with anyone in the world doing whatever you wanted, who would it be and what would you do?
I would probably want to spend it with like a really famous energy healer and i would ask that he/she spend all night curing me of my incessant burping. That's a 100% true non-sarcastic answer.

3. If you had to describe the most memorable night of your life what would you say?
you may not know this but i have pretty much the worst memory on planet earth. Just this past weekend someone was telling me things i said/did last weekend and i didn't remember any of it. And the worst part is i can't remember any of it now. But i know i said, "oh that's funny, I wish i remembered saying it" and now, gone again.
So, maybe not THE most memorable night of my life, but one that i can at least recall:
Sleepaway Camp, 1997. We had this game that at 1:23 in the morning each night someone had to do a dare. So if your math is up to date i was 13 this summer. I was dared to go to the boys bunk and steal some underwear or something. I made it into the bunk undetected. I wore black sweatpants and black hoodie. I was just going through the cubbies looking for whatever booty i was sent for when the front door of the bunk opened and a flashlight was shone inside. my back was turned. The voice of the group leader, who could have me sent home from camp if i got caught, sounded and he said, "Josh, get back in bed you putz." I had very short hair and a boyish figure at the time. So i stepped sideways without turning around and got in the nearest bed. Of course the bed was already occupied but by the time the boy woke up the group leader had left. It was all very quick. Anyway i happened to get into bed with this boy david. He goes, "oh mara, I have a pineapple. want to share it." I did, so we did. It was a pretty memorable night.

4. If you could be a character in any book, which character would you be and why?
I would be raina in Blankets because aside from the evangelical christianity i kind of already am, on a good day.
This is her:

5. What are you most proud of?
being myself. even if i am a pig in so many ways.
I'm also proud of my ability to estimate how long things will take, as you know.
And i'm proud of my new mini comic which if i know you in real life you can totes have a copy of.

i like you a lot

2009-01-12T12:12:00.002-05:00

Dear Stephanie-
The pressure to write you your very own post has gotten the best of me. You're so much more than a "hey someone actually reads this blog so I'll shout them out" post. But here goes:
Thanks for having lots of different words for pussy and using them with reckless abandon. Thanks for having a pussy tattoo. I think it's great that our summer laugh was completely shelved once fall came. that's commitment. If something is called a summer laugh i'm not using it in the other seasons. I like that we agree on this and we've never even talked about it. we don't have to talk about it because we're not idiots.
thanks for always having werthers and tea bags in your purse but not being an old lady and wrinkly and good-for-nothing.
mara

this is my life

2009-01-12T12:05:00.002-05:00

So, i had a black-and-blue on my ankle for a couple of days and i couldn't remember getting injured or bumping into anything. Then i took a shower and it came off. Cause it was dirt.

just saying

2009-01-07T16:23:00.003-05:00

you know what's dumb? In Clueless when they are learning about the Pismo Beach disaster and ms geist asks for donations and Cher fucking raises her hand in class right in the middle of Ms. Geist's call to action and says, "I want to help." Ok, i know this is like a turning point. she's becoming less selfish, focusing on the greater good, Josh is clearly having an effect on her. But really? You need to interrupt the class to say "i want to help?" Just sign the volunteer sheet or whatever like everyone else. asshole.

2008: a year in review COMIC!

2009-01-05T16:51:00.002-05:00

Click to Enlarge!

they;re way bigger than humans

2009-01-03T03:19:00.002-05:00

Pat and Adrienne and I just watched a scary (scary movie. i like to just call them scaries) and all told what we thought were the scariest movies we've seen. I said Jurassic Park. might come as a shock to some because i'm not a pussy. but you know what? dinosaurs are giant and they eat people. and i'm a person. so fuck you.

was it something i said?

2008-12-28T23:00:00.003-05:00

so, i talk to myself. like, a lot. mostly i talk to the tv and like objects and stuff. I'm watching some old degrassi episodes and a preview for next season plays at the end of the episodes and in this preview spinner asks his gf (i forget her name. she has a nose ring) to marry him! so, let me set the scene: i'm alone in the apartment wearing pajamas and heels that i was trying on and eating soy ice cream. so that part came on and i said, "What?!!" (pause) (rewind and watch again) "O.M.F.G. even though that's not for this show."

yep. this is it.

Jewish

2008-12-24T16:04:00.002-05:00

whoa. I'm such a jew. I just sat down at my computer and had a vague sense of guilt and i couldn't really place why. As you may or may not know, Judaism is a religion and a culture that thrives on the guilt of it's followers. Guilt, or more specifically the attempt to avoid feeling guilty, is the reason behind the majority of the decisions i make. It contributes to my sobriety. It makes me call my mom every day. It gets me places on time. It makes me stay friends with people who i think suck and haven't seen in 5 years. It keeps me honest in relationships. It makes me not steal things even though i really want to and it would be so easy.
Anyway, I had a really deep sense of guilt just now and i realized why, and it's ridiculous:
My roommate and best bud Pat Driscoll gave me a wonderful Channukah surprise. Our apartment has gotten very messy over the past several weeks, and it's 90% my fault. The last time i really scrubbed the joint down was when a boy i liked was coming over and i didn't want him to know what a slob i was. save that shit for the honeymoon. Anyway, if the cleanliness of the apartment is directly proportional to the amount of time boys come over to visit me here's a little equation: I have known for certain that i'm not pregnant the last two months (2). I also haven't had a real nice bikini wax in 6 weeks (6). So, i'm no scientist, but i think that means on a scale of 1-10 the apartment was at a solid 12 in messiness.
Well, i got home this morning and it was spotless, truly sparkling*! Pat cleaned the whole apartment and it looks like an effin hotel. It's beautiful.
I was so thankful and all he asked in return was for me to update my blog, which i've really let slip.
So, the guilt came when i realized i had been home for two hours and hadn't done that yet. Guilt officially relieved.

I love you pat.

*that asterisk was just to denote real sparkle. sparkly. ya know?

a good idea

2008-12-19T11:49:00.002-05:00

so, my farts don't stink. I know you don't believe me but somebody (pat) back me up. They are loud sometimes, and squeaky, but don't stink.
So, if you are also lucky enough to have odorless farts, a good idea for farting in public is to just try to put as much room between your cheeks as possible so it comes out really slowly and doesn't get trapped and make a "put-put-put" sound. I assume everyone reading this blog is in his or her twenties or thirties and is already well-versed in stealth farting. But i feel like i have a lot of wisdom to impart in this arena. Maybe it's because i'm so confident that getting it out quietly is all i have to do, because there really is never a stench to worry about. you know? So, like, I spend more time thinking about it because it's easier to tackle than it would be for someone who has to figure out how to do it in silence and hide a smell.
So, if you ever find yourself in bed with a new guy (or girl) and you guys don't fart in front of one another yet, a good idea is to pretend you're stretching and get in a position in which your butt cheeks are barely even touching and then the fart will come out silently. But if it's really quiet in the room they might still hear the "whoosh" which can maybe be even more embarrassing than the plain old "pffft." This has happened to me and it wasn't pretty.

next: farting in water. a good idea is to just not do it. unless you're in a hot tub with jets. in which case, fart away. unless you think there's any chance it's actually a shit not a fart. Then, go to a bathroom.

This is a bit of a tangent but related: so, as is now probably obvious, I'm really confident in my ability to fart in public undetected. however, i sometimes worry that there are certain people in this world that can actually SEE farts. not in water, just in air. Like those people that see ghosts, or auras or whatever. shit you're not supposed to see. so i get concerned that i think i got away with it but someone actually sees it come out of my pants. and in this fantasy the fart looks like the joker venom gas in Batman/Superman adventures that the joker sprays.

oh, i wonder why i'm single...

sleep writing

2008-12-12T11:02:00.002-05:00

If i want to remember my dream i write it down like right when i have it.

This morning i woke up and found this scribbled on my Batman writing tablet:

"Pat had a baby and snakes ate it off the kitchen counter and he didn't care because he thought they just hid it but he threw all the snakes out the window, but a window we don't really have in real life."

probably the most depressing thing i've ever heard

2008-12-12T00:38:00.002-05:00

the plot of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Why would i want to watch that dismal shit? and, ew. imagine an old man being birthed. ugh. and then he's like a really wise baby, but probably no one will believe his wisdom because he looks like an infant. and they'll be like "yeah whatever, goo goo gaa gaa benji." and inside he's like"get this tit out of my face and give me three fingers of whiskey." but then he's like, "actually, about that tit..." but his mom is dead because she had him like 80 years ago so whose tit is that? and who is going to take care of him?

see? depressing.

Things that are meant to be toasted that i prefer microwaved

2008-12-11T11:59:00.001-05:00

- pop tarts

a fact about me that is both embarrassing and alarming

2008-12-11T00:08:00.003-05:00

I watched Barney when i was way too old to watch Barney. It didn't even go on the air until i was way too old to watch it. While shameful, this is not the embarrassing part. the embarrassing part, and part i should never tell anyone, let alone publish for all to read is as follows:
I used to get home from school right as Barney was starting. so let's say it started at 3:30, I would usually not turn it on until 3:31, 3:32, something like that. So i very rarely, if ever, heard the theme song. Once in a while i would catch the last few moments of it but i never heard it in it's entirety. So, i somehow developed this superstition that if i were ever to hear the entire Barney theme song I would die instantly. it was completely irrational, obviously. and there was really no reasoning. But if i ever caught Barney right at the beginning i would plug my ears for part of the song so that i wouldn't hear all of it and die right there.
this is, sadly, 100% TRUE.
In fact, I just googled Barney to see when it went on the air to substantiate the claim that i was too old for it, and i clicked on the official Barney website and the theme song started playing and i panicked and had to leave the page.
this is my life.

I'm a loser and a dork

2008-12-09T21:55:00.002-05:00

another gchat, this time with a boy i went on 2 dates with and we decided we don't have anything in common.

d____: Arkham lego set?

me: yeah, it comes with night wing

d____: I dunno...still it's lego.
But on the other hand...it is batman

me: and it has scarecrow, and poison ivy and riddler so you really get a lot of bang for your buck

d_____: Ah good point...I can't get toys....I would go insane, with them and the comics too.

me: it's really frustrating because there are a bunch of playmobil toys i want also. and i'm getting a lot of comics every week.

d_____: Playmobil is cool...
I have a french one

me: yeah, there's a ghost pirate i have my eye on.

d_____: Toys take up a lot of space though.
Odd shapes to the packages

me: word. you have some toys though. you just have to be selective. and get carrying cases when you can
like for star wars

d____: Aye, I know. I gotta get my star wars guys on display. OUtta the shoe box.
But...till then. It's there, they shall remain.
MUhahaha!

me: spooky.

d____: I was trying to convey "spooky." heh

me: it worked. but i'm more scared about where to put the arkham lego set if i get it.

d____: that's what i'm saying

End of day gchat

2008-12-08T17:04:00.003-05:00

4:54 PM elana: i bought 2 frogs

me: SHUT UP!!!!!

elana: hhaa

me: amazing!
2???

elana: AMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAZING

me: /hahahahaha

elana: they r the pride and joy of my world

me: what are their names?

elana: one girl , one boy
the girl is white - her name is fish and the boy is dark green/brown , his name is snake
fish = a sexier name for the lady , snake = mean and spooky name for the dude

me: HAHAHA
I really have a deep and profound love for you

elana: i love them soooooooooo much ALREADY

me: you're very maternal

elana: its not a joke, when they die i am GOING to cry
right now they are happily situated in my brandy glass

me: they don't have a tank?

elana: nope - they are swimming frogs

me: whoa!

elana: so they hop/swim and live in the water

me: can they ever be out of water? can you hold them?

elana: they eat fish food but look like frogs.

me: so fish is a very appropriate name

elana: cannot be taken out of water

me: about how big are they?
can/will they mate?

elana: they about the size of a nickel
maybe even a dime

me: What? bogus, they're probably fake.

elana: not fake

me: are you sure they arent fish

elana: def 1000000000000000000% frogs

me: will they grow?

elana: yes - about the size of my PALM
woah !!!!!!!!!!

me: WOW!

elana: i knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
how very very very exciting

me: Extremely exciting.
I think i'm going to post this conversation on my blog for all those people wondering what two single gals in their mid twenties in NYC really think and talk about

ok?

and then i'm gonna go get a burrito and then go to class where i will be showered with praise for my genius work in the comic strip medium

to you i say good day

2008-12-08T14:20:00.004-05:00

Turns out I'm fucking obsessed with Warren Zevon

2008-12-08T00:27:00.003-05:00

He's just so amazing and every song makes me...something. I think i need to download every single Warren Zevon song ever and look for warren zevon tapes for carlos. mara + warren = 4evs

I did it again, but this time sexy

2008-12-05T13:18:00.002-05:00

Again i saw someone who looked vaguely familiar and decided i should smile and say hi in case i know him. This one was a little different from my encounter with nina garcia, here is how it unfolded:
I was waiting for the L train at 6th ave, checking out dudes, and i saw a really particularly good looking one but he looked really familiar and was approaching pretty quickly and i thought, "shit, he looks familiar, did i sleep with him?" So as he passed we had some eye contact and i smiled (sexily) and say 'hey' (sexily). He totes smiled back and then the train came and i was like, 'wait a minute. I never slept with that blue-eyed stranger. he played Johnny's friend "chilli" on the final, or maybe penultimate, season of the O.C.' And the real coincidence here is that his real name is johnny, johnny lewis. and i would totally sleep with him.

cake or death

2008-12-04T01:04:00.007-05:00

When i get fired tomorrow i will consider a career in confections.

So long sleepless nights, welcome back burrito burps

2008-12-03T16:12:00.003-05:00

For this post you're hearing from both me and Darya. Two people who deeply miss burritoville but gave burrito box a chance at lunch today and were really impressed.
We're going to go with a points system starting at 0:

+1 for decent guacamole. This is key and is easily eff-upable.
+1 for displaying the bulk containers of salsas and chips (we both like seeing things in bulk.)
-1 for warm soggy lettuce. (Does it say "salad box" on your awning? I didn't think so, so reign in the foliage.)
-1 for lack of cheese pocket ( a cheese pocket is when you think you ate all the cheese but discover a surprise surplus folded into the tortilla)
+1 for existence of guac pocket
+1 for free chips
-1 for amount of chips given
+100 for soy cheese because no burrito is worth hours of diarrhea.
+1 for décor/ ambiance
+1 for friendliness of staff
+5 for soft tortilla; we were expecting the worst. The worst being the sort of wrap used for a wrap sandwich. you know the kind, and you wish you didn't.
+2 for having boylans
-2 for not having Boylans diet cherry

Final grade: 108, more than enough to qualify as a replacement for burritoville.

Sorry burritoville but i need a burrito joint i can count on. One that won't just pick up and shut down all locations without so much as a warning or a good bye. Burrito Box, you'll be seeing a lot more of me.

And these final thoughts form my friend and fellow burrito lover, Darya:

When I first heard about burritoville closing, I couldn’t believe it. I don’t know why Mara would play such a cruel trick on my ears. She wouldn’t. Plus I know she doesn’t joke about burritos. So it had to be true, but I couldn’t understand it. Why would this wonderful city let such a landmark just disappear like that? Would someone say, oh hey, we’re closing the Empire State Building, and you’d just be fine with it? I don’t think so. Anyway, it was a difficult time for me. But then Mara googled ‘soy cheese’ and ‘just like burritoville’ and suddenly it seemed like all would be right with the world. Now, while you can’t replace anything whose slogan is “Entering Burritoville, Population 208,” because then it would be “Entering Burrito Box” and that would sound like a completely different place altogether, one I’m not sure I want to go to, Burrito Box is actually a phenomenal replacement. (Though never in my heart, only in my stomach.) Overall, I’d give this trip to Burrito Box an A and a smiley face sticker. Good job, Burrito Box, in this crazy world of ours, you bring me comfort. And bean burps. (It’s like lunch all over again!)

update on my soulmate

2008-12-03T09:47:00.001-05:00

for some reason he really responded to that email about cutting our baby in half and sent along a picture of his face. and well, um, we're not soulmates.
am i a jerk? maybe i should stick to meeting boys the old-fashioned way, on the train.

I found my soulmate but he won't answer my stupid email

2008-12-02T13:45:00.003-05:00

I may have led you to believe that during my epidsode of insomnia a few nights ago all i did was think about burritoville. not the case. in fact i thought about burritoville and how pathetic it is that i have nothing better to think about than burritoville because i haven't kissed a boy in so long and haven't even had reason to shave my legs in even longer. so i thought to myself, "i bet craigslist is a good place to find a dude." I feel like in a couple months when i'm beating back the suitors with a stick I'll giggle at the fact that I once (maybe twice) went on the craigslist m4w section and answered an ad in earnest. I just felt like this ad was posted exactly for me and you'll see why when you read it. It's prob going to come down in a few days so here's a screen grab to keep my blog relevant:

so, probably the things i want in a dude, in order are:
1- interest in comics, namely batman
2- tattoos
3- nipple piercing
4- skinniness

that's pretty much all i need. so i wrote a witty response which is too embarrasing to share here. you should also know that my fakeout email address which i use for answering craigslist personal ads and signing up for newsletters and junk like that is arkham_asylum_info. That's the insane asylum in Gotham for those of you who don't know and suck. So wouldn't you think this guy would fall in love with me based on that alone? Well he didn't and never responded so i just wrote this:

wow, i thought we were gonna totally fall in love, get married, have babies, get divorced, have an ugly custody battle, and ultimately take a lesson from the bible and cut the babies in half.

guess not. punk.

i keep doing/saying inappropriate and embarrasing things today

2008-12-02T13:30:00.003-05:00

some of these things include:
announcing in an elevator that i slept for 12 hours last night so when i woke up i really had to pee.

later in the afternoon running into someone who was in said elevator, and you know when the last thing you said to someone was vaguely inappropriate you want to just say something else so at least it's not the last thing you said to them? Anyway so i saw this guy again and said, "looks like a hearty lunch." he had a cup of coffee. so that was like kind of jerky but i didn't mean it.

i was supposed to meet a friend at a diner for lunch but he didn't show up so after sitting by myself for 15 or 20 minutes the waiter asked if i wanted to order and i said, "no thanks i have asthma" and left.

Then on the way back to my office i saw nina garcia but you know when you see someone that looks familiar but you're not sure from where you're like "oh i better smile or say hey because i think i work with that person or at least used to." So we met eyes and i smiled and said "hey" and only then did i realize that it was nina garcia of project runway fame and she is not and has never been a coworker of mine.

all this and it's only like 1:30.

for those of you who expressed concern about my insomnia

2008-12-02T09:51:00.002-05:00

which was really only erin and elana.

I slept from 7:45pm last night to 7:30am this morning. No thoughts of burritoville, but i did have a dream that i had to buy cupcakes based only on what they look like and i wasn't allowed to know what flavor they were and what was inside. i got one that looked like cookie dough but it was filled with cream cheese. so that was a nightmare.

new name

2008-12-01T10:56:00.002-05:00

i haven't forgotten about renaming this blog and i think the name is going to come from Doom Patrol because I'm for realzies obsessed with it. I can't believe I haven't read them yet and now I am trying to make it last. It's only 6 TPs. No one that reads this blog cares about Doom Patrol which breaks my heart.
Anyway there are amazing bad guys with awesome names and I think I'm going to name my blog after one of them. first I have to read all the books so in a couple weeks maybe I'll have a vote.
cool?
cool

insomnia...

2008-12-01T03:18:00.002-05:00

...it's a real thing. I have to be at work in 5 hours and I seriously can't fall asleep because i can't stop thinking about burritoville. Here are just some of the thoughts i've had about burritoville in the last several hours:

1- maybe it will re-open. maybe they're just renovating.
2- Maybe i dreamed it and they are in fact still open.
3- this sucks; i miss burritoville
4- maybe i should start a petition
5- maybe when the economy turns around they'll reopen
6- i didn't love it that much. in fact i always told darya to remind me that the guacamole wasn't worth the extra 2 bucks.
7- who am i kidding? it was worth every penny.
8- Maybe if i google "just like burritoville" I'll find the next best thing.
9- Did burritoville only exist in new york? maybe there are still some in other states and i can go on a road trip for the best burrito known to man.
10- I wish burritoville didn't close.
11- i really thought after a few months i'd just forget about it but if anything it's gotten worse.
12- i wonder if there are any burrito joints that offer soy cheese and free chips. i guess that would make me at least a little happy.
13- burritoville, population: zero

dear one little fish

2008-11-28T01:08:00.001-05:00

i'm thankful for you every day. not just on thanksgiving. all the stuff on that list i only care about today. tomorrow i go back to thinking pat is annoying and smelly and never checking the weather because who fuckin cares about meteorology.

Another email I sent to myself

2008-11-26T11:56:00.001-05:00

On Mon, Sept 29, 2008 at 11:01 AM, Mara _____ wrote:

Mara, this is real. don't ever forget that.

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Where_does_the_guy_put_his_penis_at_when_you_are_having_sex

In honor of thanksgiving

2008-11-26T11:26:00.002-05:00

I'd like to take this yearly opportunity to express thanks for the really great things in my life. I'm thankful for:

- Lactaid
- Pat Driscoll
- Carlos (my car)
- That people can't smell their own breath
- Gravity
- Meteorology
- Pre Tax Metrocards
- Fingerless gloves being back in style
- Electricity
- That I'm a good speller
- That a have a reliable internal clock
- That i don't live during a time when women didn't wear pants. or vote or have jobs, but mostly the pants.
- NYC recycling policies
- My mom and brothers
- comic books
- That i don't live during a time when there were no tampons. so, i guess just "tampons."
- Modern dentistry
- Fruit Roll Ups

Oh my god! I almost forgot!

2008-11-26T10:43:00.002-05:00

I have a new reader. writer of Better Chatter and an all around great guy: let's hear it for Josh everybody!
Josh is 1/2 of the In The Wheelhouse Podcast team. If you'll recall, Brandon is the other 1/2 of the team and when i wrote about him i didn't know how to hyperlink. that was probably only about 5 short weeks ago and look how far I've come. as a blogger. pretty far.
Back to Josh. Josh, you really should've come to canada with us. No road trip is the same without you. I would imagine. even though I've probably never been in a car with you.
Josh loves george plimpton. so much.
Josh lives in brooklyn and reads the sunday paper in the same coffee shop every week. You might think this makes him a boring, predictable person but it's just the opposite. This is actually the only predictable thing about josh. Monday-Saturday I couldn't even tell you what state he's going to be in, geographical or emotional. He's a loose fucking cannon. One of the wildest, craziest, most incalculable guys in this city. Except on sundays.

you know what's weird?

2008-11-25T23:27:00.000-05:00

wallpaper.
seriously? wall. paper.

gross

2008-11-25T13:58:00.001-05:00

my favorite band in the whole world and all of history, coheed and cambria, just announced a US tour with SlipKnot. Ew. Do i have to go to that?

and here's another:

2008-11-25T10:56:00.001-05:00

On Tue, Oct 28, 2008 at 10:49 AM, Mara L_____ wrote:

it's ok. just be yourself.

I sometimes write emails to myself

2008-11-25T10:51:00.001-05:00

and here's one i just found:

From: L_____, Mara
Sent: Wednesday, September 03, 2008 4:42 PM
To: L_____, Mara
Subject:

Dear Mara,
Every time you eat pad see ew you feel like shit after. Stop eating it.
Thinking of you,
Mara

Tissue? I hardly know you!

2008-11-24T23:04:00.001-05:00

Raise your hand if you think tissues are a luxury and real men use toilet paper. We're in a recession people, show a little tact!

An email-for-email account of my relationship with einstein lip company

2008-11-19T16:01:00.002-05:00

liptheory.com to me
Oct 12

Thank You for your order! Einstein Cosmetics values your business very much, and your order will be processed and shipped to you as soon as possible.
Have a Beautiful Day! Thank you. :)

me to liptheory.com
Nov 4
Hi, I'm writing because I placed an order through your website. My credit card has been charged but i have not recieved my order. There was a link provided to check delivery status but there is no status...
Can you help?
Thanks
Mara

me to liptheory.com
Nov 12

Hi- I never recieved this order and when i check the status via the
provided link there is no information.
Can you let me know when i can expect the shipment please?
Thanks so much!

me to admin@liptheory.com
Nov 14

I placed this order several weeks ago and have not recieved it. Just found this email address on your website. Maybe you'll answer me?

me to liptheory.com
Nov 19

So, your customer service is clearly for the birds. I guess cancel this order and I'll get your product from a different online vendor. I'm kind of baffled that you're still in business. Wait, are you still in business?

I got it bad for Jason Mewes

2008-11-19T13:55:00.004-05:00

My cousin just wrote a blog post yesterday in which she mentioned not liking a certain author's books. Well, that author wrote a comment on her blog suggesting that maybe she should give her books a chance. whoa right? google alert on yourself?!
Anyway, it got me thinking, maybe Jason Mewes has a google alert on himself and maybe he'll see this and we can finally start our love affair.

So, the real embarrassing thing, and the thing that might stand in the way of me and jason mewes dating, is that i fell in love with him as a result of a movie i imagine he hates and probably regrets making. And that movie is Bottoms Up starring Paris Hilton. I've seen it twice. It's fucking terrible but Jason Mewes is so charming and hot in it. He totally courts paris hilton's character the exact way i want to be courted: blackmails her into letting him hang out with her rich and famous friends after he is accidentally identified as her stalker by a gossip magazine, but after spending time with her is then surprised that beneath the beautiful and well-kept exterior she has a deep soul and a love of literature and homeless people! swoooon. It's so can't buy me love.

Anyway Jason Mewes is totally hot in this movie and after watching it for the second time i googled him and he's a recovering junkie which, sad as it sounds, is perfect for me! I'm straight edge and there would be no awkward "shit, i kind of want a glass of wine with dinner but i don't want to drink in front of my ex-junkie boyfriend." because i never want to drink! Oh yeah and he reads comics. this is not actually substantiated but i think he probably reads comics, right? and, duh, i love comics.
So, Jason Mewes, if you're googling yourself, you should email me. i'm really fun and awesome and just ignore any references in this blog to me farting and burping and having occasional diarrhea. it's for the sake of art. none of that is true.

dear microsoft word,

2008-11-18T12:07:00.003-05:00

stop automatically changing "realzies" to "realizes." I mean realzies.

totes stole this "open letter to microsoft re: spell check" from brandon.

Beating Pat to the punch

2008-11-18T09:27:00.003-05:00

last night's gossip girl sucked. the characters were very unnatural. there were too many things introduced and then resolved in the same episode: The Captain. Aaron caring about serena's drinking. They also really shouldn't ever make nate have to act dramatic. And vanessa - you're gross. I can't even believe how gross you are and you always wear big dumb stupid earrings. get a life.
Jenny - grow up. get a new haircut and design a dress with an appropriate hemline.
serena- you're hot. keep doing what you're doing. but stop dating such pansies.
chuck - start being sexy again.

yeah, that's it. but as pat pointed out, it's a thanksgiving episode so maybe i shouldn't hold it to the same standards.

new name methinks

2008-11-17T16:16:00.002-05:00

So, i made up the name for this blog with brooke. it was going to be our joint secret blog but that didn't happen. we came up with the name at tea lounge when we decided to open a competitive tea spot called tea veaux where we would have themed tivo nights and teas. So, like one night we'd save up a bunch of 90s sitcoms like Living Single and Family Matters and you could come watch those shows and drink urkell grey instead of earl grey, or some gimmicky crap like that.

Then, like a month later, we decided we would have a secret blog where we would post rants. the list of proposed rants read:
Clear Bra Straps
Canada

then we never did that but i registered this url because it seemed like we were really gonna do it.

Now we're here. it's just me. there are really no rants. and i don't want the name tea-veaux anymore. I am not gonna change the url but i'm gonna change the name. lots of people do that.

So what should the new name be? the only thing i can think of is "Past the Fence" which is a super nerdy coheed reference but it's one of those phrases that i always loved. any other ideas? I'm very impressionable.

i'm in a very crap mood today...

2008-11-17T15:57:00.002-05:00

...it's probably because i farted audibly during a dinner date on friday. now i'm drawing a comic about it. yeah, this is it. this is my life.

Size Matters

2008-11-14T15:50:00.003-05:00

at least when it comes to tootsie rolls. No, that's not a euphemism; i'm really talking about the delicious chocolatey snack.

There's really no explanation for this but the size of a tootsie roll is directly proportional to how much i like the taste of it. The big ones that are segmented and basically are a candy bar?: where do i sign?
Midgees?: Uhh, did we lose a war or something?

a very good plan

2008-11-14T11:05:00.003-05:00

So I'm not sure if anyone is aware but my ipod broke and i have almost nothing backed up. cool. i do have the sweeney todd soundtrack, and i have some NPR podcasts, and i have a mix tape luke allen made me in 2003. Other than that, nothing.
So, this is not a great segue but you know the postal service album give up? it's totally old and played out for most people but i'm very late to the game (or dance, i never know if it's game or dance). Mostly because when people discovered postal service i was still all about like alkaline trio and mxpx and less than jake. well now i fucking love this album and it was getting to be that album that i listen to all day and was going to soon be sick of. But i never got there with it because my ipod broke. SOOOOO there are a couple shared itunes libraries at my work. So someone has this album and my plan is just to listen to it on repeat all day so i get totally sick of it and don't want it anymore. One less album to download.
pretty great plan right?
i'm an idiot.

most things i like very much

2008-11-13T15:24:00.005-05:00

I just realized i've posted some very negative things lately. I hate straw wrappers! screw gchat! fuck turkeys! Pat smells!
So to restore your faith that I am a happy and stable individual, let's talk about some things i love:

I love when you order something fried (french fries, onion rings etc...) and you get a surprise from the fryer. Like one wayward chicken nugget in your onion ring order. Or a mozzarella stick in your fried zucchini. how great is that?

i love when i think pat's not home but he is and he has no pants on

this

this

never before seen footage

i love a lot of other stuff too. this is just some of it.

gchat status

2008-11-13T09:44:00.002-05:00

As most of you know i do not socially network online. I'm not on facebook or myspace. The reasons for this decision abound. I do not want to stalk anyone or be stalked by anyone. And i know myself. recovering alcoholics don't hang out in bars. I don't socially network. Same thing.
I also don't want people from high school or camp or something looking me up and saying, "god her boobs got big." or "I thought she wanted to work in forensics, and she's a marketing associate? She really gave up the dream".

That being said i have nothing against gchat. i think it's fine. anyone in my gchat is someone i've emailed with and they're ok with me. however, something i am not, and will never be, ok with is when people put the "busy" status on their gchat. UHHHH, if you're busy why are you on gchat? sign off, you can still get your email. when i see that stupid red dot next to someone's name i feel like they are saying, "i'm busy, but i'm online so if it's an emergency you can interrupt." A) I'm sure if i had to let you know about an emergency i would use gchat as my method of communication. B) shut the fuck up. C) Make a decision. You can chat or you can't. If you can't, sign the fuck off. Or go invisible. That's fine too. at least you're not saying "i'm busy."

and this is why i'm not allowed to do anything online

i think i'm done...

2008-11-11T15:17:00.001-05:00

... with turkey countdown. it's a funny thing to think about but i just hate it. it's not fun.
if i get one vote to continue, i will.
Voting is now open.

turkey countdown

2008-11-10T14:21:00.002-05:00

so bored of this

A lesson from my father

2008-11-10T13:58:00.004-05:00

"Never trust a guy with a side part"

ok, this one i'm not so sure i understand. So let's just take the facts. I'm going to find some dudes with side parts and tell you if i trust them or not:

Distrust

Trust

Trust, duh.

Distrust

Trust

Distrust

ok, it seems the results are inconclusive.

Another everyday object that makes me uncomfortable

2008-11-10T13:43:00.002-05:00

I like a good home science experiment as much as the next guy, actually probably more than the next guy, but you know when people scrunch down the paper straw wrapper, place it on the table, and then slowly add water (or soda) drops to it so it unravels like a worm or snake... ugh, i'm getting squeamish just writing about it. I actually have really mixed feelings about this whole thing that i will explore in detail here. Ok, it's actually really cool and makes me feel nostalgic for the nathans that used to be across from waldbaum's on 116th street, which is the site of my first experience with straw wrapper worms. but really, wet paper in general makes me very itchy and uncomfortable and this business with the straw wrappers ends up a soggy mess and just makes me feel so weird inside. writing this, i just said 'uh' out loud. that's how i feel about it. i get the same feeling in my stomach when something spills and people put a bunch of napkins on it and those first few napkins are REALLY saturated. just not even recognizable as napkins anymore. makes me feel so gross inside. yuck. and probably the most surprising part of all is that i don't mind sponges in the least. because they were made to get saturated and full, but paper products end up just kind of soggy and like drippy and it's all just too much for me.

turkey countdown

2008-11-07T16:24:00.003-05:00

i like when the stuffing (noun) is actually stuffing (progressive verb)

dear pat,

2008-11-07T10:57:00.001-05:00

remember when the mattress doctor stole my books?
love, mara

Turkey Countdown

2008-11-06T14:38:00.002-05:00

Mmmm, dark meat.

Things I would Never Say in Real Life but will Write in an EMail

2008-11-06T14:35:00.000-05:00

"Chugging along here!"

Lies I told recently

2008-11-05T16:28:00.003-05:00

1- "I can't tonight, I have a date." with myself and fucking Naomi and Ethan from 90210 and baked lays.

2- "sorry i didn't pick up; I was sleeping." i definitely was not sleeping but sometimes when you call I get overwhelmed and just don't pick up. (don't worry this is not you)

3- "Yeah we can probably give you a ride to Philly." No we can't because we want to talk about boys in the car. Namely you.

4-"We've all got a department meeting in 1/2 hour." Just a big fat lie. There's no meeting. I just want this meeting to only last 1/2 hour.

5- "Nope, there are no more chewy gobstoppers." There are actually probably like 8 left but they're mine. fuck you.

turkey countdown

2008-11-05T15:59:00.000-05:00

Lessons my father taught me

2008-11-05T15:49:00.002-05:00

He was a very wise man and also a very funny one. There wasn't much "come here and sit on my knee so I can bestow upon you the lessons of life." But he dropped some knowledge in his own way.

Lesson #1: "If a white man can dance he's gay."

I think my dad was really worried I was going to somehow end up dating a gay guy and then be heartbroken when i found out. I mean, how ridiculous. That would never happen. Not to me! tee hee.

Turkey countdown

2008-11-04T11:08:00.002-05:00

Am I really going to do a turkey countdown? Yeah, I guess I am. I briefly considered being clever and putting a map of Turkey (yuk, yuk) one day and maybe a hand turkey the next, and then a turkey sandwich. How clever! Instead, I'm going to just put a beautiful, scrumptious-looking holiday bird each and every day. Just good old fashioned home cookin'. So get ready.

Tea-Veaux

Being sneaky to avoid being dead

My second favorite movie

Lists I've been working on

thawing

things that people are always saying are delicious but don't really taste like anything

An Open Letter

i decided i should eff Langhorne Slim

guest post

New comic for my friend's band, Thought So.

Overheard at work

Maybe Josh can weigh in...

can't find it

gmail searches and missing my dad

Funny memories of my dad

assholes

New Comic

Strange food habits and where i picked them up

This is it.

psychoanalyze away

more things that happened today

Some things that have happened today already:

mergh update mergh

Tweet

Two in one day!

A very smart idea, from me, blanket

A new comic! woot!

Signs of (my) times

Funny things Pat said during scenes of fraternity hazing on Greek last night

update on which American Idols I'd eff

Season 8 American Idol contestants I would fuck and one i surprisingly wouldn't

here's something funny.

sorry

hi brandon

it's an emergency!

Must love mildly inappropriate googling

how old are you now?

god has smiled upon me this day

Dear Snapple Fact Finders

Inauguration day*

How Old Are You Now?

More superstition

How old are you now?

how dare you ask me that?

i like you a lot

this is my life

just saying

2008: a year in review COMIC!

they;re way bigger than humans

was it something i said?

Jewish

a good idea

sleep writing

probably the most depressing thing i've ever heard

Things that are meant to be toasted that i prefer microwaved

a fact about me that is both embarrassing and alarming

I'm a loser and a dork

End of day gchat

Turns out I'm fucking obsessed with Warren Zevon

I did it again, but this time sexy

cake or death

So long sleepless nights, welcome back burrito burps

update on my soulmate

I found my soulmate but he won't answer my stupid email

i keep doing/saying inappropriate and embarrasing things today

for those of you who expressed concern about my insomnia

new name

insomnia...

dear one little fish

Another email I sent to myself

In honor of thanksgiving

Oh my god! I almost forgot!

you know what's weird?

gross

and here's another:

I sometimes write emails to myself

Tissue? I hardly know you!

An email-for-email account of my relationship with einstein lip company

I got it bad for Jason Mewes

dear microsoft word,